Strangers Laugh At Me

Shiva H. Vishnu

2011-11-28T20:56:00.005-05:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... The internet is a strange wonderful cornucopia stuffed with all kinds crazy crap... That metaphor kind of lost steam there, but trust me, the guys operating the "Batshit Crazy Video" chute at the Internet Factory have churned out a glorious nugget of awesome. Enjoy...

I, for one, welcome our new Indian overlords. It's like someone took Blue Man Group, Jackass, and the cast of Slumdog Millionaire, put them in the Street Fight match between Shane McMahon and Kurt Angle at the 2001 King of the Ring (google it). The sheer terror on the female judge's face looks like she got a glimpse of the Ark of the Covenant. Speaking of which, the only thing that would've made this video better is if this happened at the end...

Bravo, Internet... Bravo...

Blog Friday

2011-11-25T13:40:00.010-05:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... I've got no good excuse for not updating this thing for five months. So, in order to reward you for your zen-like patience and to put an end to my zen-like neglect, here's a meager entry to hopefully get me back in your good to mediocre graces and back into some kind of blogroove for the homestretch of 2011.

I hope everyone had a Thanksgiving that left you plump and docile, unable to defend yourself in case of a ravenous zombie or alien attack. Ever vigilant, people. After getting home from the live human taxidermy demonstration of a meal we had at my parents' house, I thought my night of consumption was done. Then my girlfriend dragged me out of my tryptophan haze to go spectate the running of the bullshit. People waiting in line to crash through the doors of Best Buy or Target or Eddie's Bail Bonds for all of the great Black Friday deals. She loves the pageantry. So, I was forced to put on pants and go root for a trampling.

I'd like to interrupt this blog for visual proof of how awesome my girlfriend is...As I'm sitting here, typing words for your (mostly my) amusement, my awesome girlfriend brought me this masterpiece. A leftover turkey and egg sandwich with hot sauce on Darth Vader toast cut into the shape of the Millennium Falcon. Yes, I'm five. Ok, back to the blog already in progress...

The sight was pretty insane as we approached Best Buy with t-minus 5 minutes left before someone answered the Geek Squad's riddle and the gates magically opened. The line stretched for as far as the sleepy eye could see. We stood across the parking lot from the entrance with other eager gawkers, who were not from here apparently. They sang soccer cheers as they waited. I could just imagine what they must've been thinking as they looked at these people ready to run over their fellow man for every American's God-given right, a bigger TV. It was probably, "Remember when we used to stand in lines like this for food? Or to be killed? Good times." Or maybe it was, "In our country, door busts you!" Anyone remember when a doorbuster deal was just called looting?

As the midnight hour drew closer, and I was looking at these idiots who look like they arrived too late to be in Jerry Springer's studio audience, I was struck by the words of Obi Wan Kenobi, "Who's the more foolish, the fool or the fool who follows him?" America's renewable energy = stupid. When the doors finally opened, we were crestfallen with how orderly everything went. Not even a simple shove. These were obviously not deals worth dying for. I wanted my money back, which I could've gotten with the coupon in the circular.

Insert Title Here

2011-06-22T17:35:00.005-04:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... Spring is over and Summer has arrived. The year is halfway over and it's about this time I try to take stock of what I've accomplished so far. Well, thanks to my buddy, Chris White, I was able to accomplish something big right before the equinox. Last weekend, he recorded his new CD and I opened the show for him. Since he was gracious enough to have tape rolling during my set too, I ended up recording a new album as well. Not sure what to call it yet, but I'm hoping to have something consumable for my dozens of rabid fans soon. Ok, maybe not rabid. My slightly interested fans. Stay tuned.

The big news this week is the death of jackass of all trades, Ryan Dunn, perhaps best known for putting a toy car in his butt for our amusement. Jackass is one of my guilty pleasures. I used to pretend I was above it back in their heyday with MTV, but then my housemate sat me down and made me watch the movie and I sharted, I laughed so hard. It's always a shock when a 34 year old is cut down in his prime, but considering his line of work, this one wasn't that big a surprise. He got paid to reenact Wile E. Coyote cartoons with his friends. In our morbid heart of hearts, I think we all knew one of them was going to die young, but I just thought it would be on set. I guess the only thing shocking about this senseless tragedy is that it wasn't more senseless. It was just a car wreck. A spectacular wreck, but I would've expected him to meet his end covered in peanut butter on a pair of rocket skates or something. There was a headline that ran on AOL today that read, "Ryan Dunn's Cause of Death Confirmed." That really took a medical examiner a day to figure that out? The only way this qualifies as news is if the coroner says, "Yeah, turns out it was complications from pneumonia." And now comes news that the Westboro Baptist Church is going to picket the funeral. Good. This is the wrong group of mourners to fuck with. If they don't get a septic tank full of angry bees dumped on them, I'll be disappointed. Ryan, we hardly knew ye.

I'm getting back into mash-ups recently and I found two good ones for you to stick in your ear holes. You get videos too...

See you soon.

Sporting Chance

2011-06-13T20:42:00.009-04:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... Wow, two blogs in a row. Don't get excited, I'm going to try to kick things back into the blogularity I spoiled you with for the first couple months of the year but, as usual, no promises. When I left you last night, the second half of Game 6 of the Mavs/Heat series was just getting started and it turns out all of the star wattage on the Heat burnt itself out. Here are some sample headlines I was hoping for in the Sports section this morning...

Heat Stroke

The Agony of the Heat

Mavs Take Talents to South Beach, Take Title

Dry Heat

Decision Made: Mavs Win

With the storyline that played out in the NBA, with the Cobra Kai of the league getting crane-kicked in the face, the schadenfreude is rampant among fans and analysts who were galled by LeBron and the pomp and circumstance of his "Decision" last summer. People are happy that the flashy superstars got taken down by the Johnny Punchclocks. Good triumphed over precieved evil. Roll end credits. Once hockey concludes, that interminable dead zone of sports will fall over the land. Normally, we'd have the happy distraction of off-season NFL speculation, but with the lockout, who knows how long we'll have to suffer meaningless baseball and women's soccer. What will fill the void? I'm hoping this catches on...

That's Botaoshi, or Japanese Pole Toppling. Rugby meets Iron Chef meets a Walmart on Black Friday. And don't act like you wouldn't watch it, either. That's the alchemy of ratings gold, my friends: the spirit of competition, the hint of controlled chaos, and flailing foreigners. Game on.

I was going to regale you with tales of my weekend gig in North Carolina, but my laptop crashed and I don't feel like retyping it right now. So, maybe tomorrow. Just in case I don't get back to the blog this week, I wanted to let you know about a great show on Saturday in the DC Improv Comedy Lounge. My buddy, Chris White is recording his new CD and I'll be opening up the show and getting some stuff recorded too. Click here to get tickets and provide us with the necessary rousing live crowd atmosphere.

See you soon.

Sunday Bloggy Sunday

2011-06-12T21:11:00.003-04:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... I'm back from whatever arbitrary hiatus I imposed on myself. Thanks for pretending to care. I'm sitting on the couch, watching the Heat/Mavericks game. I'm not usually a big NBA guy, but it doesn't take much to get me interested in a potential championship-clinching tilt. Besides, I'd be lying if I told you I haven't gotten caught up in the manufactured villainy of the Miami Heat. LeBron took his talents to South Beach, now the heat are the Legion of Doom. It's halftime right now and Dirk Nowitzki is apparently trying to rebuild the Berlin Wall with all of the bricks he's putting up. I'll give you my favorite stat in situations like this: Dirk has only made one more shot than me. If the Mavs end up winning, I want a ring. Y'know who else should get a ring? Ted Leonsis. There are three former Wizards on this Mavs team. Washington knows how to build a championship team, just not theirs.

I'm torn about who I want to win. It's mostly a question of which NBA fossil I'd like to see win a championship before they retire. I always root for professional athletes who are older than I am. Juwon Howard was drafted when I graduated from high school. His defensive technique is mostly just yelling at the younger players to get off his lawn.

Just to see a Game 7, I'm rooting for the Heat to win this thing. Ok, back to game. I'll have another blog tomorrow to recount my weekend getting laughed at. Again, thanks for pretending to care.

A New Blog

2011-06-01T17:11:00.005-04:00

Click and enjoy...

Post Apocalypse

2011-05-23T18:56:00.005-04:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... It's Monday and the world is still spinning. Instead of literal hell on Earth, we just have to deal with the figurative purgatory of punching the clock and spending the day in a tiny cube. Us reasonable people were proved right and those kooks were mindless morons. They were sheep and the fire they should've been warned about was the one inside the kiln that the crackpot they were following was baked in (stay with me). But let's hold our four horses for a second. Allow me to play devil's advocate for a moment. What proof do we have that the Rapture didn't happen? We're still here? That's pretty arrogant to think that any of us would be worthy enough to make the cut. I'm no theological scholar, but I'd have to think that the standards are pretty strict. Think about it, sure, our society has advanced in it's values and technology over however many thousands of years since biblical times, but for God, that time has been the blink of an eye. He probably still goes by the ten commandments he gave to Charlton Heston. And everyone has broken one of 'em. Even the big one, "Thou shalt not kill." Everyone has swatted a fly, stepped on an ant, killed a hooker... These are all God's creatures, people. Commandments aside, there's also the seven deadly sins. Trust me, Facebook alone violates the vanity clause for everyone on it.

If anyone was vaporized by Jesus, it was probably a conclave of nuns, closed off from the outside world, who gave up all of their worldly possessions and eat one crumb of bread a day. Who's to say Jesus didn't return on Saturday? He might've just appeared in Detroit and thought, "Wow, somebody beat me to it." And this was just supposed to be the beginning of the end. We've got six months before a giant marshmallow man crushes us under his fluffy heel. Just sayin', is all.

Enough of that claptrap. As I mentioned in the last blog, I spent the weekend bringing mild amusement to dozens of people at the Comedy Zone in Myrtle Beach, located in the Hilton Resort. This was the view from my hotel room...

I'm not usually a beach guy, but I figured I shouldn't let such a prime lounging opportunity escape me. I stretched out poolside and sipped an Arnold Palmer made with sweet tea vodka while I charged up the pasty solar panel I call a chest. The sun and I have an understanding. If I promise not to take my shirt off more than an hour at a time, it won't use me for kindling. The last time I soaked in too many rays, I got burnt so bad I should've gotten super powers. Overall, good times.

On the drive to Myrtle Beach, I got a call from my girlfriend telling me that Randy "Macho Man" Savage had died in a car accident. He was one of my favorite wrestlers when pro wrestling had captured my 10 year old imagination. I found a tribute on one of my go-to nerd blogs, Topless Robot, that echoed my sentiments almost exactly. Allow me to share...

I don't know if I can really express how sad I am that Savage is gone. He's just one of those people who have given me so much entertainment and pleasure in my life that I find myself genuinely upset now that he's gone. I was only into wrestling a bit as a kid -- a couple of years, although I was terrifyingly obsessed with it during those two years -- but even after, I was always a Macho Man fan. Maybe it was just his journey from evil wrestler to good wrestler -- and WWF champion -- hit me at just the right time, where I was totally enraptured. Maybe it was because unlike Hulk Hogan, Macho Man was actually a genuinely great wrestler. Maybe it was because Macho Man was flawed and weird and dangerous and batshit insane and somehow just more fascinating to me than all the other wrestlers. Everyone had their one shtick, but Macho Man was only ever Macho Man. Let me put it another way: if Hulk Hogan was Superman, Randy Savage was Batman. Watching Hogan fight was fun but predictable; watching Macho Man do anything was always exciting, and always awesome.

I can't say that Randy Savage had a direct influence on my professional or personal life, but I can say now that he's gone, a part of my childhood is gone, too. Thanks for everything, Macho Man. Seriously.

See you soon.

And I Feel Fine...

2011-05-19T16:05:00.005-04:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... I wanted to squeeze in a quick blog before I hit the road tomorrow for a gig at the Comedy Zone in Myrtle Beach, SC. I'm bringing a laptop with me, but those things tend to fritz out on me when I try to connect to the interwebs. If I do manage a connection, I'll be happy to give you a beachfront update when the ocean starts boiling and turns to blood. That's right, folks. The end of the world begins on Saturday at around 6pm. Apparently, the Bible has a "dates to remember" section in it. Here's an idea of what's in store...

According to one wingnut and his band of followers, the Rapture begins on Saturday. Expect the Backpedal to begin on Sunday after absolutely nothing happens. I'd love for the world to turn into a zombie movie, but I'm betting you'll still have to drag your ass into work come Monday instead. I'm not a very religious guy. I'm a Jew who can't live in a world without bacon. It is my firm belief, however, that if Jesus was to return, the same thing would happen to him that happens to everyone else who claims to be him. Some nice men in white coats will have a little chat with him, then he'll be on a thorazine drip for the rest of his life. We're so jaded and cynical that no one would take him seriously. If Jesus wants to make his grand return, he better do it on YouTube, "Hide ya kids. Hide ya wife. Hide ya husband. Cuz everyone's gettin' Raptured up in here." Seriously, Lady Gaga has 10 million followers on Twitter. Get in line, Jesus.

See you on the other side, Ray.

Catching Up

2011-05-17T21:28:00.006-04:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... My streak of regular bloggery is sputtering through May. If I was smarter, I would've taken advantage of my usual monthly stunt blogging and called it "I May Blog", but I'm not, so I'm just going to chalk it up to a general May-laise. For now, I'll just blog when the mood strikes. It just takes awhile for the mood to strategize. Anyway, I hope everyone had a fun weekend. I got to check out the Anti-Social Network Tour, over at Constitution Hall on Friday. The combined forces of Jim Norton, Bill Burr, Jim Breuer, and Dave Attell formed a bitter Voltron of comedy. Local comic done good, Seaton Smith, opened up for them. I was very jealous and very impressed. Top to bottom, it was a great show in front of a packed house of about 2500 people. Before the show, I got a chance to hang out backstage for a meet and greet with the guys. They spent a few minutes glad handing and posing for pictures. I always feel like a jackass asking for pictures, but I was able to get one with the most approachable of the group, Jim Breuer...

Of course, the big news that fell from the sky today, like a gift from the comedy gods, is the revelation that Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child with one of his house staff ten years ago. Start filling sand bags and brace yourselves for the flood of hack Sperminator jokes and shitty Ahnold impressions that'll come from this. I wish I could take credit for it, but my favorite joke I've heard so far came from Marc Unger, who wrote, "And the child's name is John Conner." I'm not condoning his actions, but I can't blame Arnold for straying from Maria Shriver, who's so bony, it must be like having sex with a wire hanger. Hey, Maria, those aren't rock hard abs...that's your rib cage. I wouldn't be shocked if they were sleeping in separate places, him in his bedroom and her in her sarcophagus.

That's all for now.

Never the Twain Should Meet

2011-05-13T13:00:00.014-04:00

Hey there 'Redheads... Sorry about the blog drought. While I want to keep up the regular posting, I also want to make sure I actually have content for you. Well, I don't say this often, but thank you to Will Ferrell for providing. It was announced yesterday that he'll be the recipient of the 14th Annual Mark Twain Prize for American Humor. You read that right. Will Ferrell. I've made no secret that I'm not a fan of Will Ferrell. As a comic actor he is one-note, and that note is stupidly loud. So, rather than launch into a biased tirade about it, I'm going to hand things off to my comedy buddy, the reasoned and insightful Randolph Terrance, and allow him to retort...

On October 23, 2011 at 7 p.m The Kennedy Center will present the 14th Annual Mark Twain Prize for American Humor. This prestigious award "recognizes people who have had an impact on American society in ways similar to the distinguished 19th century novelist and essayist best known as Mark Twain. As a social commentator, satirist and creator of characters, Samuel Clemens was a fearless observer of society, who startled many while delighting and informing many more with his uncompromising perspective of social injustice and personal folly. He revealed the great truth of humor when he said, 'Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.'" Last years recipient of the prize was Tina Fey. Most of you know how I felt about her getting it, if you don't go back and read the note that I wrote about it. This years recipient is Will Ferrell. Will Ferrell. When I found this out the first thing I thought was "Here we go again." Will Ferrell does not deserve this award. Not yet. Not by a long shot. This is not to say he is not funny, of course he is. Anything he is in is made better by his presence. Sketch. Movie. Stage. Interview. He is the goods, and he DOES NOT deserve this award anymore than Tina Fey did. Go back and read what this award is supposed to be about, "...recognizes people who have had an impact on American society in ways similar to the distinguished 19th century novelist and essayist best known as Mark Twain." This is directly off the website by the way. Are we to HONESTLY believe that Will Ferrell has had that kind of impact yet? "Samuel Clemens was a fearless observer of society, who startled many while delighting and informing many more with his uncompromising perspective of social injustice and personal folly." Again, right off the website. Is this what Will Ferrell was doing when he was running down the street naked in "Old School"? Playing the cowbell on SNL? Or that time he went on Conan in his underwear?

"A fearless observer of society, who startled many while delighting and informing" and yet Chris Rock doesn't have one yet. Nor does Mel Brooks. Or Dick Gregory. Or Jerry Seinfeld. Or Larry David. Or Rosanne. Or Carol Burnett. All of these people changed comedy in ways both big and small. Dick Gregory was the first black comedian to talk directly to a white audience. It wasn't allowed. He changed it, and by doing this he changed all of show business. Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David created one of the most successful and iconic sitcoms in history. Larry did it twice. Mel Brooks came up with ground breaking movies dealing with topics and themes like racism, WWII, and the persecution of Jews at a time when people were running away from any of these topics. Carol Burnett and Rosanne were ground breakers who paved the way for damn near any woman involved in comedy on television right now. This is just a small sampling of people who have changed comedy and society and haven't received this "prestigious" award. I could name more but what good would it do? Some of you reading this do not agree with me. You would be wrong. For this man to receive this award at this time cheapens it. I said this last year when Tina Fey received it and many people said to me "But she is funny for my generation..." So what? Without the people whom I listed she wouldn't even been here, and neither would Will Ferrell because those others, and many more, are the inspiration that make all of this possible. I say again, who gets it next? Tracy Morgan? Alec Baldwin? Sandler? Everyone is on the table.

See you Monday.

Big Fish

2011-05-09T19:42:00.004-04:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... Welcome back from an eventful weekend. I'm waiting on some pictures so I can fully convey the spirit of adventure...and also so I can pad the blog. In the meantime, I have a quick bit of bloggage for you. Today, I spotted this bumper sticker on my way to work...

Is there a lox lobby I'm not aware of? Now, I did not check to see if the driver was a bear. I can only assume the driver was not a bear because A) bears don't drive and B) bears do not have the right to vote...they only have the right to bear arms. Whoever they are, the driver does think their vote carries enough weight to sway any major fissue. It's nice to see there's a middle ground in the partisan red fish/blue fish world we live in. If you're voting based on a candidate's opinions on fish, then I'm curious about your position on Roe vs. Wade. If I had to bet, I'd say they have pretty strong opinions about spawning.

That's just about all of the political fish puns I can think of.

See you Tuesday.

Post Sportem

2011-05-05T16:43:00.011-04:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... Happy Cinco de Mayo to one and all. It's always nice when it falls on May the 5th. I hope everyone is enjoying your day with a hint of lime. Just please don't squeeze that lime into the paper cut that has been sliced between the fingers of the DC sports landscape these past two days. It is turning into a monumentally shitty week for DC area sports. First, the Caps, the city's only hope for a championship, laid a giant turd on the ice and got swept out of the playoffs by a hockey team from Florida. Florida? I'm not sure they even have ice in their arena. It's just cold plexiglass. Their zamboni is a guy on a tricycle with a bottle of Windex. It's kinda like getting beat in beach volleyball by a team of Eskimos.

Now, word has come out of the University of Maryland that not only has their best player, Jordan Williams, decided to jump ship for the NBA, but coach Gary Williams is retiring. That's a Williams a day. As a Terp for life (I have a key chain to prove it), this sucks out loud. When I saw the news on the ESPN crawl, I was so despondent I almost set fire to my couch. I understand that Gary was probably getting tired of the game that college basketball has become, trying to squeeze everything he could from players that didn't have what it took to leave early and go to the NBA. I'm actually curious which came first. Did Gary decide to retire because Jordan left prematurely or did Jordan bail because he found out Gary was leaving? Either way, it's a bad scene for the Terps.

For as long as I was there (and I was there awhile... just short of tenure), it was Garyland. The students fed off of his fuming energy. It won't be the same without him chewing out the bench when a player on the floor makes a dumb mistake, threatening to cut off a pinky if they do the same thing. Not only is this bad for UMD, but it's catastrophic for his dry cleaner. I hope that guy doesn't have any gambling debts, because that business is going under. He probably bought a 40 foot racing sloop and named it Gary's Pits. When Gary Williams broke a sweat, they had to sand bag the sideline. One of those kids with the mops just followed him around during the game. Hopefully, the school will do the right thing an build a commemorative fountain, with the water cascading down his back. We'll miss you, Gary. Thanks for the memories, for the tirades, and for the title.

See you soon. Maybe not Friday, but soon.

Yub Nub

2011-05-04T19:21:00.004-04:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... Happy Star Wars Day to one and all. See, it's May the 4th... May the 4th be with you... Get it? Sort of a Dork-o de Mayo. Celebrated in basements around the world. Dorks in brown bathrobes swatting at Death Star pinatas with a lightsaber. If you're going to celebrate properly, remember to include a moment of silence for those lost on Alderaan. Or, if you favor the dark side, pour some Correlian Ale on the ground for the Imperial forces that perished on the Death Star...

Ok, here's some fun obscure Star Wars stuff to quench your nerd thirst. Like Richard Pryor as the bartender in another intergalactic bar...

Or maybe a bad ass lightsaber fight is more your speed...

Or maybe you want to know what if Lucas had a French existentialist influence...

Remember, Han shot first and Jar Jar kicks puppies...

See you Thursday...

Jared Been Bloggin'

2011-05-02T20:26:00.005-04:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... Sorry once again for the bump in the blog road at the end of last week. I had to take a couple sick days because nature was trying to kill me. The air was so full of pollen, it was almost chewy, and my body was not ready for the aerial assault. The mucous in my lungs was driven by rage and pursued by an investigative reporter. So, what's going on in the world? Oh, there was the Royal Wedding on Friday, with all of its pomp and circumstance. It seemed only right to give something but, unfortunately, a shit was not on William and Kate's gift registry. It's the thought that counts. Needless to say, I avoided that particular royale with cheese like the plague.

On to the big news that broke last night.

'Twas the night before Monday, and tucked in my bed, I flipped through the channels with a pain in my head.

I was feeling quite groggy, so NBC I did click, to Celebrity Apprentice, to hear Trump be a dick.

But the news broke in before Donald could fire, to tell us Obama had a statement most dire.

What could it be? The economy? A new war? My mind raced with guesses galore.

But before I could figure it, as I lay in my bed, Obama told us that Osama was dead.

I was actually kind of pissed at the various news outlets, because it would've been a massive bombshell if Wolf Blitzer and the other pundits didn't spoil it for us before the president even took the podium. The guy's been sitting on this top secret operation for months, people. Let him have his moment. So, yeah, it's been almost ten years, but we finally figured out where Osama bin hidin'. And it wasn't in some spider hole or a dank cave. He was kickin' it in the Pakistani Real World house. So, we sent in a super elite team of Navy SEALS to dictate his last words to him. In my mind, this squad was made up of Jack Bauer, Chuck Norris, and Black Dynamite. America put a bullet between the eyes of the most recognizable face of terrorism. Are we any safer for it? Maybe. But at least he won't be doing the terrorizing anymore. And the next guy better think twice, else we send another covert ops team in for a visit. Let them run scared for a change. When Obama told us that we had, "they killed Osama bin Laden and took custody of his body," I half expected them to wheel him out, encased in carbonite. After the announcement, people took to the streets in celebration. Some say that death should not be celebrated, even if it cases like this. As Clarence Darrow once said, "I've never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure."

See you Tuesday.

Randy Jackson Presents: America's Next President

2011-04-27T22:51:00.003-04:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... As most of you know, I rarely get political, mostly because I'm not that well informed and it makes my head hurt. I think that's what keeps a lot of Americans in a state of blissful political ignorance. This, however, forces certain fringe elements to focus on superficial stuff to try to get the stupid masses something shiny to latch onto and feel like they're being political (it makes sense in my head). We're a culture that's fueled on superficial gossip and pseudo-celebrity.

I bring this up because I simply can't believe that President Obama felt it necessary to give a moment of his attention to the walking comb over, Donald Trump, and his bluster about where Obama was born. In any sane society, this guy would have as much traction as a greased up Nissan Sentra on an ice rink, but because he's rich and he's on TV, people are actually listening to him. So, the president gave a statement this morning to the press and produced his Hawaii birth certificate. If you didn't hear it, allow me to paraphrase, "I don't have time for this bullshit. Here it is. Now, shut the fuck up."

If Trump is actually going to run for president in 2012 (as the Mayans predicted), I think we should just cut the bullshit and just turn the presidential race into a reality show. Hell, more people vote for American Idol than they do in a national election. Have Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul moderate the debates, then have each candidate compete in weekly political challenges to win electoral votes. I also think that Trump should be forced to have the winner of Celebrity Apprentice be his running mate. I'm pulling for Busey, myself.

See you Thursday.

Pollenized

2011-04-26T11:15:00.006-04:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... I'm getting the blog out of the way early today because I'm pretty sure my brainbox will be completely congested with pollen by the end of the day. My head feels like it's in geosynchronous orbit with my body. Every breath has to labor through a cloud of the crap that's in my lungs. I'm tempted to cram a dustbuster up my nose, flip the switch to high, and suck out the offending particles, and if some brain matter goes with it, so be it. Anyway, I've got some random crap to tide you over until I can unclog things. Basically, whatever comes up in the lottery popper of my brain is coming out here. And away we go...

Bacon is a meat shrinky dink.

I'm fascinated by the recent viral videos of babies laughing at various things landing those babies on morning shows. Like this one...

Sure, babies are cute and you have to be an inhuman monster to not at least smile when they laugh, but there's no reason to make YouTube celebrities out of these kids. It's not fair for their 15 minutes to be up before they can even walk. Besides, they don't know what their laughing at. I'd like to make one of these videos with a baby laughing at a TV, then have the camera pan around to show that it's laughing at 2 Girls, 1 Cup.

As I drive around the DC area, I see signs that indicate three levels of traffic enforcement. There's "Traffic Photo Enforced," "Traffic Radar Enforced," and "Traffic Strictly Enforced." With the first two, you know what your getting, either a camera or a speed trap nearby. But what are you getting with "strictly enforced"? I picture a cop with a disappointed look sternly wagging his finger as you drive by. And if you do get pulled over, "Sir, please turn off your car and hand me the keys. You're in time out. You can have these back once you've learned your lesson."

See you Wednesday.

Leggo My Ego, Part Deux

2011-04-25T19:24:00.007-04:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... Sorry for the minor hiccup in postings. As I mentioned last time, my schedule was going to be hectic and the streak might suffer. Technically, it got snapped when I went to Mardi Gras, so I'm not too worried about it. Anyway, I'm back and I've got a heaping helping of me to go around.

Roughly two weeks ago, I did a professional photo shoot from a Groupon that was about to expire. Almost makes it sound like I got glamour shots done at a local mall, but this was a real deal on-location photo shoot in Glen Echo park, with the hopes that it might produce some dynamic promotional photos to replace my almost nine year old black and white headshots. Well, I got the pictures over the weekend and I'd like to run my top five of the batch past you to maybe get some feedback. Besides, I do enjoy looking at pictures of myself. As Al Pacino said in Devil's Advocate, "Vanity is definitely my favorite sin." So, put on your water wings and let's take a dip in Lake Me. In no particular order, here are a couple of my favorites of the bunch...
This is my answer to Zoolander's Blue Steel. Note the combination of the smirk, slight squint, and smolder.

I brought a prop with me on the shoot. An empty bottle of a wine called "Irony." No, it's not a chardonnay and no, there wasn't a fly in it.

That's right, folks. I'm a rebel, but I'm also lazy. I'm breaking rules, but I'm not climbing stairs.

I'm a big fan of this shot, because of the lines created in the blurry background. Really makes my nose pop right out at you. Also, as my friend Mia put it, it makes me look, "wry, but also approachable."

You can find the rest of the pics on my Facebook fan page, conveniently located on your right. Please feel free to give some feedback. In case you haven't guessed, I enjoy a compliment.

See you Tuesday.

Oblogatory

2011-04-20T22:51:00.003-04:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... This one is just to keep the streak alive. Not sure what's going to fill the space, but I'll come up with something. I'm typing this from the third floor and heat rises. I'd like to think it's just the heat and not that I'm horribly out of shape that's making me break a sweat while I type. Speaking of being a sweaty tub of goo, I stepped on a scale for the first time in awhile and I saw a one in the hundreds place. That gypsy curse is starting to pay off. Looks like having three flights of stairs in my house is having a positive effect. I can't lose too much weight, though. If I start looking svelt, I lose five good minutes worth of fat jokes. It's a delicate balance I'm trying to maintain. I want to be in shape, but my self-deprecation needs to be believable. As my buddy Jerry Thomas always says, "Verisimilitude."

Tomorrow, I'm going to be reminded of how old I am too. I'm going to the 15th anniversary show of Sketchup, UMD's sketch comedy group that I was a founding member of back in 1996. What's really going to make me feel ancient is the after party. Nothing makes 35 feel like 70 like attending a college kegger. I'll have a full recap at some point. I hit the road for a gig in Warwick, Rhode Island on Friday, so my blogging schedule will be all screwed up.

'Til then. See you Thursday.

Streak Free Sheen

2011-04-19T22:34:00.003-04:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... The circus is in town, as Charlie Sheen's Violent Tirade Of Drug Addled Catchphrases Tour has wrecked its train in DC tonight. It's been roughly three weeks since he concocted this tour and the novelty of Sheen's ramblings have worn off. We're all coming to the realization that Charlie is no Gary Busey. I host a trivia night in DC on Tuesday nights and a couple people in the bar were pre-gaming before the show tonight. They said that the start time had been pushed back an hour to 9pm because Charlie had to be at a custody hearing in L.A. today. It's 10:45 right now. I've got five bucks that says the show hasn't started yet. When he does finally hit the stage, there's only a couple things that I think will hold the attention of the gawking masses. Either he juices a live tiger, then does a keg stand over the carcass, or he does a staged reading of Major League. Otherwise, people will make their way to the ticket counter and demand loudly, "Refunding!"

Apparently, Charlie's whack-job antics have rubbed off on other celebrities recently. Nicolas Cage was recently arrested for disturbing the peace at a tattoo parlor in New Orleans. That's so unlike him. Really, I'm shocked that Nicolas Cage would do such a thing...

See you Wednesday.

Passover, Then Pass Out

2011-04-18T21:51:00.004-04:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... I've got a couple glasses of Maneschevitz in me, so this blog will be short and sweet, then it's bedtime for Bonzo. I just got back from Passover seder, one of the many times that Jews celebrate the recurring theme of, "They tried to kill us. They didn't. Let's eat." I enjoy Passover, mostly because you're required to drink four glasses of wine, but also because we get to take credit for building the pyramids. Since the seder I was at had small children present, we used a haggadah for kids. It was a bit more sing-songy, but it kept them involved. Sort of like One Fish, Two Fish , Red Fish, Gefilte Fish. It took pieces of the Passover story and made songs out of them to the tune of "Pop Goes the Weasel" or "On Top of Old Smokey." My favorite was the song about the ten plagues that was put to the tune of "If You're Happy and You Know It." That's now my second favorite song about the plagues. What's my favorite, you ask?

During the seder, it's customary to ask the four questions about why this night is different from all other nights. Well, now that it's over, I have a couple follow up questions... 1) Why does my head hurt? 2) Why did I eat so much kugel? 3) Why do I keep forgetting that I can't stand macaroons? And 4) What's the deal with gefilte fish? Personally, I think gefilte fish is people.

All questions for another day. I'm going to bed. See you Tuesday. By the way, spell check hates the Jews apparently. Just sayin'...

Friday Random Crap

2011-04-15T17:35:00.004-04:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... Today should be Tax Day. It normally is, but we've been given the weekend to rifle through our receipts and figure out how to claim our pets as dependents. Today is also the anniversary of the assassination of Abraham Lincoln, which would make it an assassinaversary. He's been turned into one of our more badass presidents through a hodgepodge of legend and alternate histories. Either he's a vampire slayer or he's bare chested and punching a grizzly bear in the face. Regardless of how he's remembered, his message to the people has always rung true...

Party on, Abe. We hardly knew ye.

I'm usually not one to plan ahead, but I've figured out what I want to be for Halloween... And Arbor Day... And next Thursday...

Remember, if you're stuck on what to do tonight, and you're in or around downtown Bethesda...I'll be your host, along with Brian Parise, Martin Plant, and Jeff Maurer. It's FREE, because you're worth it.

See you there. And see you Monday.

See Me... Feel Me... Book Me...

2011-04-14T21:26:00.008-04:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... This has turned into a lazy Thursday. No plans. Completely unencumbered with anything to do. And I could've gone outside and enjoyed the great weather, but no, I twiddled my thumbs on the interwebs and before I knew it, darkness had fallen with nothing to show for it except two bleary bloodshot eyes staring back at me when I happened to catch my reflection in the computer screen. At least, I hope those were my eyes. Anyway, I decided to fill up this space with some of my upcoming comedy gigs, so if you wanted to see me live and in person, or if you wanted to know how better to avoid me, that info would be at your eager little fingertips. Also, any comedy bookers out there who crave my brand of mild amusement, this information can better help you find out when I might be available to trade some funny for some money.

And away we go:
APRIL 15 (TOMORROW NIGHT): At the Barking Dog in Bethesda, MD for a District Live Comedy Event with Brian Parise, Martin Plant, and Jeff Maurer
APRIL 22 & 23: At the Comedy Zone in Warwick, RI
APRIL 28-30: At the Baltimore Comedy Factory, opening for Bill Bellamy
MAY 20 & 21: At the Comedy Zone in Myrtle Beach, SC
JUNE 10 & 11: At Moxie's in Statesville, NC
JUNE 24 & 25: At the Comedy Zone in Lynchburg, VA
JULY 8 & 9: At the Comedy Zone in Harrisburg, PA

See you Friday. And hopefully at some of these shows. C'mon, people.

Newsish

2011-04-13T22:50:00.009-04:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... Here's hoping hump day treated you better than Barry Bonds. Today, the asterisked home run king was found guilty of Obstruction of Justice, specifically lying to a grand jury about knowingly taking steroids. When he heard the verdict, his reaction was, "BARRY BONDS SMASH!" I'm not sure what he expected. Basically, his defense had been carefully crafted by a team of six year-olds, who advised him to plead "NUH-UH!". Previously, he had stated that he didn't know what he was taking. Well, here's a hint. When your head grows and your balls shrink, you're not taking Flintstones chewables. So, now some federal prison softball team is going to get a hell of a lot better.

There are two awesome nerdly items I found on the interwebs today. Here's the first... It's the blue canary in the outlet by the light switch who watches over you. If you'd like to make a little birdhouse in your soul, it's a mere $12.99 over at ThinkGeek.com. The other bit of awesome comes at the 2:10 mark of the video below...

Game Reviews - E3 2011 - The Feed

That's right, folks. Some dude in Oklahoma is building an AT-AT. The news is made all the more awesome coming out from perky eye candy, Sara Underwood. I dare say it would be equally as cool if I heard it from Ed Asner. Let's not let the messenger distract us from the fact that there's an AT-AT under construction in Oklahoma, where the wind comes sweeping down the plain. All I'm saying is, once it's completed, two words come to mind: Road. Trip.

See you Thursday.

Trivial Pursuits

2011-04-12T22:36:00.004-04:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... I'm beat. I've got very little in me to blog about right now and I could curl up on the floor and fall asleep, I'm so tired.

There's one reader out there that I'll get no sympathy from, and that's my buddy Nick, who, pending confirmation, just smashed the world record for Longest Quizmaster Marathon. He stayed up 34 hours to do it, asking a question a minute. I was there for five of those hours last night to help out with scoring. I'll tell you what the biggest issue was for me in that time, so I can only imagine what it was like for the people who went the whole way, was swamp ass. You have to pace yourself and make sure you air things out every half hour or so. My favorite moment from last night, after the question was asked, "Who was the oldest of the Marx Brothers?", I overheard a member of one of the teams wonder aloud, "Was Steve a Marx Brother?" Maybe I was just giddy, but I laughed about that for awhile. The winning team, El Guapo, took home a cool $1000 in ones. That's making it rain money. I just got off the phone with Nick, and he told me that after 34 hours, the winning score came down to just seven points. Very cool. Congrats to everyone involved.

See you Wednesday.

Weekend Roundup

2011-04-11T08:44:00.013-04:00

G'morning, 'Redheads... I'm bright-eyed, bushy tailed, and I'm lying to you about those first two things, but I'm at the very least awake and able to type. I have to get this blog on the books early today, because my evening is spoken for and I can't guarantee I'll be home by midnight to keep the streak alive. Why so busy on a Monday night, you ask? Well, starting at noon today, the trivia arm of the entertainment company I work with, District Entertainment, is attempting to break the world record for the Longest Quizmaster Marathon at Caddie's in Bethesda. The previous record is 32 hours and 15 minutes, so if all goes well, we'll be finishing up tomorrow night at 8:00ish. I'm not the lead question asker, but I'll be there assisting after I take my nose off the grindstone. If you want to wrangle a team to try to win the top prize of $1000, click here for all the details.

Since I don't have a Monday's worth of blather to blog about, I need to tap into my weekend reserves. On Saturday, I met up with pals, Chris, Allyson, and Eric to check out the Blessing of the Fleets at the Navy Memorial, where water from the seven seas is poured into the fountain in a ceremony to make sure our naval forces sail smoothly this year. Afterwards, the crowd was treated to Navy Bean soup, prepared by the White House Mess, which, with a little Texas Pete's hot sauce, was delicious. They also gave out boxes of Presidential M&M's. Needless to say, I went through the line twice. Before the ceremony, we got a picture with the Naval Academy mascot, Bill the Goat.We figured we had filled our costume photo quota, but as we walked through Penn Quarter, we ran into famed crime dog, McGruff.We felt safer knowing he was on whatever case there was to be on. Sniffing the butt of justice. When you get one picture with a mascot, it's fun and random. Once we got two, it became a mission to complete the set. Luckily for us, the Sakura Matsuri Japanese Street Festival was going on nearby. Not only did it seem like a fun thing to check out, but we knew it would be a treasure trove of freaks in costume. It did not disappoint...We also missed the chance to get a picture with a Japanese NASCAR driver. A novelty to be sure, but he didn't meet our arbitrary qualifications of a cartoonishly large head and unblinking eyes. Aside from the anime, there was all manner of Japanese culture spread out over several blocks, from calligraphy to samurai sword demonstrations. Well worth the $5 admission. And all of the proceeds went toward tsunami relief, so we could feel good about ourselves to go along with our sushi. Good times.

See you Tuesday. Or at the big trivia event tonight.

Three Fiddy

2011-04-08T20:10:00.003-04:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... Welcome to the 350th installment of the blog. Yes, these arbitrary milestones are coming fast and furious since I started my consecutive weekdaily streak. I want to assure you that the blog will continue despite the impending government shutdown. I managed to secure funding through a grant from Matthew Lesko. For some reason, every time I hear about the government shutting down, I picture President Obama throwing a giant Frankenstein switch at midnight and the backlight on the display case of the Constitution going dim.

Many people, rightfully so, are in an uproar about shutdown, especially regarding the halting of services, like trash removal. Other people, like myself, are giddy that we'll be able to park anywhere in the city for free. Anyone want to put a wager on when the plague starts making a comeback? A friend of mine started a grassroots movement on Facebook in response to the shutdown, that appears to have garnered some national media attention. It's called "If Boehner shuts down the government I am taking my trash to his house". As of right now, over 6,000 people have RSVP'd for it. If you're interested in making John Boehner look like an orange Oscar the Grouch, click here for all the details.

I'm not a political guy. Trying to understand the Rube Goldberg inner workings of our government makes my head hurt. But I'm pretty sure, when I wake up tomorrow, the streets of DC aren't going to look like a scene out of Mad Max just because a bunch of politicians decided to take their ball and go home.

See you Monday, unless we stop observing time between now and then. Hey, clocks cost money.

Reviewery

2011-04-07T22:15:00.004-04:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... I just got back from seeing a creepy little flick called Insidious. I can now cross the first item off of the "Things To Do While The Girlfriend Is Away" list. Do yourself a favor and check this movie out before it fades away into the ether of Netflix. It's worth checking out in the theater. I say this, despite the fact that I saw it for free. I would've been perfectly satisfied parting ways with ten bucks. To describe it in one sentence: Imagine if Sam Raimi directed Poltergeist. In fact, the movie very much reminds me of Raimi's recent return to the horror genre, Drag Me To Hell. Both films do a great job of taking you on a sonic roller coaster ride. The music and sound cues in the movie really add the extra jolt to the scares. And it does a great job with pacing, drawing you in with hints of a shadowy reflection, then BAM! Demonface. It's an original twist on the typical haunting/demonic possession stories that are in style right now. No "found footage". No shaky camera work. Just a well executed premise. My only complaint was that I saw the twist ending coming, but it was still fun to see it play out.

Next on my list is Your Highness, which looks like it might have the chops to be uttered (or rather, exhaled) in the same breath as another Raimi classic, Army of Darkness.

Here's hoping.

Until then, the balcony is closed. See you Friday.

Rock Out

2011-04-06T23:34:00.003-04:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... I'm getting to the blog a little late today. I just got done rocking out in my car on the drive home from hosting my weekly trivia night in Bethesda. Some of you may have heard of my buddy, comedy dynamo, Justin Schlegel. Even though he just moved out to LA to seek fame and fortune, he hasn't forgotten his old bay sprinkled roots back in Baltimore. In fact, he hosts the night-time show on 98Rock from his new digs in la-la-land. Anyway, I get in my car about ten minutes to 11, looking forward to Mandatory Metallica to provide the soundtrack to my aggressive driving. Well, Mr. Schlegel got the Metall-itch a little early, and treated us to this little ditty to wet our metal whistle. Extend your devil horns, crank up your speakers, and let your face melt like a fine fondue...

That was followed by two killer tracks off of Death Magnetic (that whole album is great), Suicide and Redemption and The End of the Line. Great ride home, is all I'm saying.

I neglected to mention that I am honey-less for roughly two weeks, as my girlfriend is away on a business trip. I miss her, but the toilet seat is where it's supposed to be. Up. And it's staying there. I wish I could say that my fart quotient has gone up, but I pretty much let loose regardless and blame it on a mysterious duck. Another gross habit that I engage in, with or without her, is picking my belly button. It is a never ending source of lint. It's like someone put me together at the Build-A-Bear Workshop. When the weather gets hotter, I'll be a walking dryer fire hazard.

See you Thursday.

Tuesday Random Crap

2011-04-05T22:17:00.004-04:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... I hope this blog finds you well on a blustery Tuesday night. I'm still waiting on the footage from the Improv, so I give you another random pull from the lottery popper in my head.

One thing I neglected to mention in my brief recap of my weekend at the DC Improv, was the number of British people that came to the shows. Apparently, the exchange rate on my jokes is pretty good. I must've shook hands and exchanged pleasantries with at least a half dozen people who sounded like Russell Brand.

I would also be remiss if I didn't mention the NCAA Championship game that was contested last night between the Butler Bulldogs and the UConn Huskies. It made sense that two dog teams were playing because that game was a steaming pile. The only thing uglier is Verne Lundquist's jowls in HD. I was disappointed that Butler lost because I was looking forward to all of the hack sports headlines, like "BUTLER DID IT!" or "HUSKIES SERVED LOSS BY BUTLER" or "BUTLER CLEANS UP". Alas, those dreams were dashed. Man, Butler shot horribly. I heard one stat that they were 1 for 25 from the paint. That's only one more basket than I had and I didn't even play. I was an inside presence for Butler from my couch. There were fewer bricks thrown during the L.A. riots in '92 (Google it). Overall it was a great tournament, but that game was a crappy way to cap things off.

That's all I got. See you Wednesday.

Back to Earth

2011-04-04T21:39:00.007-04:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... I'm recovering from a comedy hangover today after a stellar sold out weekend at the DC Improv with the World Champion, Judah Friedlander. Thanks to Allyson, Melba, Luis, Morgan, and the rest of the crackerjack staff for making it feel like home. And thanks to everyone who came out to laugh at me. I've said it before and I'll say it again, DC Improv crowds are a gift. They're smart, with it, quick on the uptake, and generally willing to go wherever you want to take them. Sure, they can be a little uptight sometimes, but that makes the laughs you get from them all the sweeter. Afterward, I got some of the best post-show reaction I've ever gotten. People who don't go to a lot of comedy shows always seem genuinely surprised that the MC and feature are any good. One guy got a picture with me and told me he was adding me to a blog he writes about his favorite comedians. I shook a lot of hands and got some mileage out of the giant tub of hand sanitizer in the green room. My ego will be slowly re-entering Earth's atmosphere over the next few days.

I also had the pleasure of working with the very funny Laura Prangley. It was pretty cool that all three comics on the bill were from the area. Laura is from Olney, I grew up in Silver Spring, and Judah is from Gaithersburg. Laura was nice enough to record a couple of my sets on her flip cam. I should be getting something postable at some point this week, but here are some pictures of me on stage in the meantime... More to come. See you Tuesday.

Pity the Fool

2011-04-01T09:19:00.014-04:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... Once again, I'm getting to blog activities early because I'll be neck deep in the adulation of strangers tonight. If you still want to come see me at the DC Improv this weekend with Judah Friedlander, the only tickets left are for the Sunday 8pm show. No foolin'. The rest of the weekend is completely sold out. Enough of the shameless self-promotion. That's not what you came here for. Why are you here, exactly? Don't answer that. Best not to question why. Don't look a gift reader in the mouth. And I'm not going to try to pull any lame April Fool's Day pranks on you either. Everything has been done. Besides, everyone I know is so jaded and skeptical that I'd pretty much have to fake my own death to get a reaction out of them. That's too much work. And what even counts as a prank anymore? I've seen some of these prank shows on MTV and all of them boil down to waking someone out of a dead sleep, scaring the shit out of them, and/or kicking them in the nuts. No real planning, just taking advantage of a sleeping target. Like fishing with a hand grenade. Sure, there's a big payoff, but it's too easy. This, on the other hand, is one of the best YouTube-era pranks I've ever seen...

Then there's the flipside of the heightened prank paranoia that today brings. When people tell you actual true things and you refuse to believe them because you don't want to get had. I checked back in the blog archives and I don't think I've shared this anecdote with you, but exactly three years ago, my buddy Seth called me to tell me that his wife was pregnant with their second child. Seth is like family to me, so I was very happy for him and I was psyched to be an uncle-by-proxy again. I wished him a hearty congratulations, then we hung up. Then I realized what day it was. I called him back and got his voicemail and I left him a message something along the lines of, "Ha ha, very funny. Way to toy with my emotions, ya prick." He called back and tried to convince me, but I would have none of it, because he's the kind of guy that would take a joke that far at my expense. I took me until his son was born for me to finally believe him. See you Monday. If you make it out to the Improv, stop by and say hi after the show.

Day Bloggin'

2011-03-31T13:31:00.004-04:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... I'm getting my requisite blogging out of the way early, because I have a jam packed evening ahead of me, and even if I do make it back to my computer before midnight, anything I try to type will be rushed and slapdash. Much like that last sentence. That one ran on a bit. Anyway, better to rush it now, during the moments that make up a dull day at work. Once I'm done here, I have to return my rental Chevy Cobalt and pick up my (in my best Rod Roddy) BRAND NEW CAR! A 2011 Jeep Patriot. I've named it Pat. Pat Riot. It'll be nice to drive a proper vehicle again. I'm not a big guy, but I needed a shoe horn to get in and out of the Cobalt. On a less exciting note, I also get a BRAND NEW CAR PAYMENT! Blech.

Once I get home, I have to delouse and put on my spiffy duds for the first of six shows at the DC Improv this weekend with Judah Friedlander. Have I mentioned that? Because if I haven't, I should also mention that tickets are going fast and you can get yours at DCImprov.com.

I'll leave you with one of the more morbidly hilarious things I've seen today. Enjoy...

See you Friday.

A Late Wednesday Blog

2011-03-30T23:14:00.004-04:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... It's 11:15pm on Wednesday, and I have a few things to share with you. First and foremost, if you haven't yet gotten your tickets to see me at the DC Improv, tomorrow through Sunday, with Judah Friedlander, time is running out. The 8pm show on Friday and both shows on Saturday are SOLD OUT. Once he starts doing his local promotional blitz on morning radio, whatever's left is going to go quick. So, go to DCImprov.com to get your tickets and I'll wait here for you to get back.

Got 'em? Good.

They say you learn something new every day. Today I learned that DaVinci invented scissors. Shortly thereafter, his mother coined the phrase, "You'll putta your eye out!" I'm betting the invention of band-aids came right after that. If necessity is the mother of invention, then bleeding is it's second cousin.

Since my truck got all smashy a couple weeks ago, I've seen a couple big wrecks on the road that I've missed being a part of by about thirty seconds. I saw a five car wreck on 295 yesterday that was caused by a couch in the road. The couch got the worst of it. Completely undriveable. What it was doing in the road is beyond me. Maybe the guy who owned misunderstood what a convertible couch is.

See you Thursday.

Leggo my Ego

2011-03-29T13:34:00.006-04:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... I'm not sure if you're aware of it, but I love me some me. Probably explains why I bother to shout my random thoughts into the ether from my little cyber-soapbox. It's the delusion of self-importance that keeps me (and most people) chugging along. If this blog falls in the forest, and no one bothers to read it, blah blah blah. Anyway, with all of the crap that's going on in the world, the trivialities in my world seem all the more trivial. Well, as it turns out, vanity and charity found a way to cross paths.

After the disaster in Japan, several artists have been donating their talents to raise money for Japan relief. One of my favorites, caricaturist Kari Fry, auctioned off a limited number of custom caricatures for a $20 donation to the Red Cross. Another picture of me? I jumped at it. I sent her a couple reference photos, so she could see the cut of my jib, and I told her a little bit about me. Here's what she came up with... I'm helping a chicken cross the road. I think it came out great. And it was for a good cause, so I can feel good about myself for two reasons.

See you Wednesday.

Wright and Wrong

2011-03-28T22:22:00.009-04:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... Sorry about the lack of blog on Friday. I'm here to make good on my IOU, as I had a weekend chock full of random goodness. It turns out I was already a winner. On Friday night I got a call from an unknown number that I usually wouldn't have answered, but I've been in contact with various insurance agents because of my car, so I picked up. The fellow on the other end informed me that I had won a big prize in a contest that I don't remember entering. I was eligible to win a car or a TV or a large sum of money. All I had to do was go somewhere and listen to a brief presentation before I could claim my fabulous prize. When he asked to confirm my date of birth I said, "Yesterday." Then I hung up. On Saturday, my gal and I met up with friends Chris, Joe, and Allyson for a day of adventure. Usually, any adventure with Chris includes some kind of learning and this one was no different as we traveled to the Pope Leighy House, built by famous architect, Frank Lloyd Wright. We were led on a tour through and around the house by soon-to-be-famous tour guide, Fairfield. He was so happy to have people in his group that weren't dead eyed tweens that he gave us an extra long but very interesting look at the subtle details of the house.Here are some fun facts that I learned: 1) Frank Lloyd Wright was so rigid and dictatorial in his designs that he would force clients to use only the furniture that he provided. He would often visit months after the fact and rearrange to house as he saw fit... "I took the liberty of removing your curtains and stacking your children while you were asleep." 2) His son invented Lincoln Logs. 3) I'm thinking of changing my name to Fairfield. From there, it was a quick drive down the road to check out a giant watering can. You heard me.We also spotted something you might find in Stephen King's garden. After that, we swung on over to Silver Spring to batten down our collective hatches at Piratz Tavern. That's right, a pirate themed bar. Like Applebee's with scurvy. We got ourselves a pitcher of grog and drank in the one-eyed atmosphere.For those of you wondering what exactly grog is, it's spiced rum served in large quantities. Speaking of which, remove the "quan" and that describes the corseted waitresses. Huge tracts of land.

See you Tuesday.

IOU One Blog

2011-03-25T23:43:00.003-04:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... Happy Friday to you and yours. The sun was shining just a little bit brighter today because Duke got trounced by Arizona and bounced from the NCAA tourney. Just so you know, this one is to keep the streak alive and to let you know that I'll have a super-size installment, full of weekend hijinks, on Monday. I just got home from a fun gig up in Columbia. Big thanks to David Shofer and the gang up at Sonoma's for having me on their one year anniversary comedy show.

I will use this spot for a shameless plug. Tickets are going fast for next weekend's slate of shows at the DC Improv with Judah Friedlander from 30 Rock. I'll be featuring and Laura Prangley will be hosting. Six shows, Thursday through Sunday. So, stop your grinnin' and drop your linen because the Saturday early show is already sold out and the rest are soon to follow. Go to DCImprov.com for tix and info.

See you Monday. I'm going to bed.

See you Monday

In the Cards

2011-03-24T20:19:00.006-04:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... It's a slow news day here in the tiny pocket of cyberspace that this blog occupies. I'm happy to report that I've finally gotten new business cards. Previously, I had none of your goddamn business cards, but those weren't the best networking tool. I like these new ones. It will set me apart from roughly half of the cheap comedian crowd, who all have the same showbiz card design from VistaPrint.com, with the old school microphone and the flowing red curtain. The design is sharp, clean, and professional looking, which means I don't have to try to be any of those things. The card will represent me in fishbowls and garbage cans all over DC. I actually always wanted to have business cards like Clooney had in Ocean's 11. Just had "Danny Ocean" written on them. He was so cool, that was all the information you needed. I'm not quite there yet. Hopefully, these'll help drum up some business. If you print them, they will come. Or something.

Y'know who's going to need new business cards? The putz who nodded off in the air traffic control tower at Reagan the other night. That's the last time they have Wear Your Snuggie to Work Day. I can just imagine what went on in the planes that had to land while this guy was drooling into the crook of his arm. "This is your captain speaking. We're about to begin our descent into Reagan National Airport. Please fasten your seat belts. And if those of you with a window seat could take a look outside and let me know if you see anything get too close, that'd be a big help." I'm shocked the cabin didn't depressurize from every passenger's butt simultaneously puckering. They better have waived the checked bag fee or given them a voucher for a stiff drink once they got on the ground. To make sure this doesn't happen again, they've put an extra guy on duty in the tower for the midnight to 5 am shift. The second guy is there to poke the first guy. Fool proof.

See you Friday.

Liz, We Hardly Knew Ye

2011-03-23T23:21:00.005-04:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... I'm getting to this installment a little late tonight, just under the wire for it to count as a Wednesday blog. I need to keep my arbitrary streak chugging along. I'll be brief. Just a couple quick thoughts about the news of the passing of Elizabeth Taylor. In a time when celebrity actually meant something, she was one of the brightest stars. Today, celebrity is so devalued it might as well be on the first shelf of a skee ball prize counter. In her later years, she became more of a tabloid caricature of herself, hanging out with Michael Jackson, and marrying enough times to qualify as a serial monogamist. Her career highlights included two Oscars and she was the voice of Maggie Simpson when she spoke her first words. I was looking at her IMDB credits. She apparently also supplied a voice for an episode of Captain Planet and the Planeteers. That's range, people.

I was shocked that she went before Zsa Zsa Gabor. Zsa Zsa outliving Elizabeth Taylor is like Morehead State beating Louisville. Here's a fun fact: We all know that some celebrity obits are written in advance. Well, the guy who wrote Elizabeth Taylor's obituary died six years ago. There's going to be a new wave of beloved celebrity death as time creeps on. People like Betty White, Hugh Hefner, and John Cleese. Speaking of which, a happy belated 80th birthday to William Shatner. Surely the best of times. All I'm saying is cherish them while they're still here.

See you Thursday.

Tuesday Random Crap

2011-03-22T20:43:00.005-04:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... We've made it to Tuesday. I've been pretty quiet about the world falling to pieces around us over the last couple of weeks, mostly because I'm not terribly well informed and I've been too preoccupied to make stuff up. But the Tsunami Roll I got from Harris Teeter tonight got me thinking about the disaster in Japan and the pineapple I ate got me thinking about the situation in Libya. Gadhafi's going to be really pissed when he finds out the bombs he bought are made out of pinball machine parts. To be fair, if I were him, I'd be ticked off too. Have you seen pictures of him? His face looks like a paper mache art project I made in 5th grade art class...Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka and Edward James Olmos look at him and say, "There but for the grace of God go I." All I'm saying is, I can understand why he might be on a short fuse. Now, the US is leading the charge into yet another middle eastern country to take down another evil doer. Don't we employ a team of ninjas or SEALs or the A-Team or G.I. Joe or the goddamn Wonder Twins for stuff like this? There's gotta be an app for that. It'll probably cost millions of dollars to uproot this guy with a standard military operation. Put one million on the table and offer it up to the first assassin who can do a halfway decent Chuck Norris impression and it'll save time, lives, and money. No disintegrations. Better yet, why not send a robot? Like Blinky...

The moral of the story: Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.

See you Wednesday.

Tardy to the Mardi

2011-03-21T18:04:00.012-04:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... I was planning to finally conclude my three part travelogue of my trip to drunken fever dream that was Mardi Gras, but as we get further removed from it, it's becoming clear as the ice in my bottomless glass of whiskey and ginger ale that my memories of the trip might as well have been transcribed on an Etch-A-Sketch by Michael J. Fox. Sure, I've got pictures to help piece things together, but none of them are of anything you guys really want to hear about. Plenty of shots of the parade on Fat Tuesday.

The pageantry...

The floats...The people who were mistaken for floats...I was perched on our hotel balcony to watch as people flooded down Bourbon Street. Right below was where the religious outreach folks set up shop to shout the good word through a megaphone at the stumbling revelry. They meant well, but this wasn't the most receptive audience, which is kind of ironic since the whole party serves a religious purpose. Some people consider seeing boobs in exchange for plastic beads a miracle. Anyway, this was the scene on Bourbon Street at 2pm on Fat Tuesday...When night fell, we set up shop on another part of the balcony to do some bead tossing. It's harder than it looks. Once you find a decent target, you've got to take things like distance, angle, and wind into consideration. And most of them weren't paying attention, so you had to hit a moving target. I could've used a bead caddy. It turned into a game of, well, whoreshoes. More often than not, some drunk musclehead would snatch the beads anyway. The most fun was being had by the guy next to us, who was teasing the women below with a giant interwoven strand of beads. He kept shouting down to them, "These are bunghole beads! Show me your bunghole!" The best part was watching women actually think about it. Kudos, sir.

And by the way, I've been seeing some corny ads for Applebee's running during the NCAA tournament for their new entrees with the "taste of Bourbon Street." So, if you want your steak to taste like flop sweat and regret, bon appetit.

See you Tuesday.

Buzzer Beaten

2011-03-18T18:02:00.006-04:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... It's 75 and sunny outside and I'm 35 and unkempt inside, smacking the 57 on the side of the ketchup bottle that is my brain, hoping that something worth a quick blog will slowly ooze out. Then you can dip your eyes in it. The things I do for you.

Even if I wasn't furiously typing, I'd be inside anyway, balanced precariously on the edge of my seat, watching the NCAA tourney on four separate channels and my girlfriend's iPad. Some great ones just finished up, including the nail biter between George Mason and Villanova, which was made all the more dramatic by the play-by-play of Gus Johnson. That man can make CSPAN sound exciting. But even he can get too caught up in the excitement. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure he screams, "EXPLANATION POINT!" as George Mason finishes off Villanova. What say you?

That was one of the few games played today that I actually got right. I'd like to encourage all of you to text 9099 to help me recover from my devastated brackets. Paul the Octopus could've made better picks than me and he went to the big plate of calamari in the sky six months ago. I'm glad, though. Now the pressure is off and I can enjoy the tournament without obsessively checking to see if I got a game right. I can just assume I was wrong and enjoy my beer.

See you Monday.

Blarney and Friends

2011-03-17T22:12:00.004-04:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... Happy St. Patrick's Day to one and all. The day we commemorate St. Patrick driving the snakes out of Ireland by drinking enough Guinness to float an aircraft carrier. Mine hasn't been all that happy. I found out today that my vehicle was totaled in the accident I had on Wednesday. It's all kinds of smashy. I'm conflicted about it. On the one hand, I'm getting a new car. On the other hand, I'm getting a giant headache dealing with the insurance and all of the other crap. We've been through alot together, the Liberty and I. Countless comedy road trips, through all sorts of weather, it was a trusty steed. It only ever left me stranded twice, and both times it was stolen, it faithfully returned to me. Over 163,000 miles of loyal service. Liberty, I hardly knew ye...

Well, that was somber. Let's lighten the mood with a St. Patty's Day favorite...

I've said it before and I'll say it again, if that doesn't make you smile, you're not human.

So far, through the bulk of today's NCAA tournament play, my brackets have remained largely unscathed. I picked the Richmond upset and I was on the right side of the hotly contested Butler/Old Dominion tilt. The one giant pockmark came when Louisville, a team I picked to advance to the Elite 8, crapped in their hat and got beat by Morehead State. The only comfort I take in that is that only two people picked Morehead State to win, Tiger Woods and Charlie Sheen. They are alumni, right? By the way, I caught some of the coverage online today at work, Leslie Visser looks like the Crypt Keeper in a pink sweater. She is not meant to be within a thousand paces of an HD lens.

See you Friday.

Slim Pickins

2011-03-16T17:54:00.005-04:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... And welcome to everyone who found their way here via DCBlogs.com. Stay awhile. Make yourself at home. Here you'll find mild amusement for your momentary distraction. Give your eyes a snack. While you're here, why not click on over to my fan page on Facebook or enjoy some of the fine comedic video sketches linked conveniently on the right.

For those of you expecting the third installment in my Mardi Gras travelogue, I'm putting that off for a day for two reasons. First, I was in a car accident this morning, involving a utility pole, so I'm not exactly in the right headspace to reminisce about strip clubs. Second, it's TOURNEY TIME, and I want to get my horrendous picks on record before the games tip off tomorrow afternoon. I'll get back to Mardi-blogging tomorrow, as my brackets crash down around me. Let's get to pickin'...

In the East Region, I'm pretty much going chalk. I've got the 1-4 seeds making it to the Sweet 16. However, I have UNC beating Ohio State to make it to the Final Four. With my luck, Washington will take out UNC in the 2nd round and my ACC/Big East bias will be my undoing once again (I'm looking at you, Georgetown).

In the West Region, I start to upset the apple cart a little. I've got Oakland barging their way into the Sweet 16, only to have their plucky little hearts carved out by Duke. But the Cobra Kai of college basketball gets theirs when San Diego State beats them to get into the Final Four.

In the Southeast Region, I'll take Richmond over Vandy, Florida State over Texas A & M, and the winner of the play-in game over Georgetown as early upsets. All of those mean nothing in the long run, since I have the top four seeds making it to the Sweet 16. Then I've got Louisville taking out Kansas, then getting beat by Notre Dame for the spot in the Final Four. If you're keeping score at home, that three #2 seeds so far.

The Southwest Region is a free-for-all. Let's just put it out there. I've got Kansas State vs. Michigan State as my Elite 8 match-up in this region. That's a #5 seed against a #10 seed. Kansas State wins which completes my Final Four.

UNC takes out San Diego State and Kansas State beats Notre Dame, then the Tar Heels win the whole shebang. Ok, you see what I did there? Don't do that.

See you Thursday.

Mardi Blog: Part(y) Two

2011-03-15T20:58:00.010-04:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... Happy Ides of March to you and yours. Today is a good day to eat a caesar salad with a knife while wearing a toga. Actually, come to think of it, that's fun on most days. Welcome back to my multi-part recollection of my trip to Mardi Gras. Part One was mostly about the initial shock and awe. Part Two is going to focus on the eating. Sure, we drank alot too, but some of the time it was washing down some pretty great food.

When you're in New Orleans, you're required by law to have beignets at Cafe Du Monde. If you've never had the pleasure, a beignet is a square piece of dough, fried and covered with powdered sugar. Aside from coffee, it's the only thing they serve there. There was a line around the block. Make that two lines, one to sit and one to go. Lucky for us, we didn't have to wait with the riffraff because my buddy Nick greased the palm of one of the busboys to get us a table. It's nice to be important. It's important to be nice. Anyway, we sat down and got a round of bennies.

So much powdered sugar, it looked like breakfast at Charlie Sheen's house. They've got themselves a surefire recipe. I'm fairly sure if you fried my shoe and dumped powdered sugar on it, it'd be pretty tasty. Chewier, sure, but tasty. Fuck Wheaties, I want my face on a box of these heavenly morsels. It was a solid foundation on which to pour a bucket of alcohol.

One place that came highly recommended for "the best fried chicken you'll ever have" was Willie Mae's Scotch House. We were able to confirm with the locals that it's the place to go for fried chicken, so how could we not? We found out that it was located outside the confines of the French Quarter. Maybe a mile or so away from the bustle of Bourbon Street. It was a sunny day, so the four of us decided to hoof it. As you may or may not know, it's taken New Orleans some time to rebound from Katrina back in 2005. The French Quarter has done fairly well, but there are other parts, like the one we walked through, that make Detroit look like Beverly Hills. I would've taken some pictures, but I wasn't keen on flashing any high dollar items while we walked at an increasingly hurried pace toward Willie Mae's. No wonder the chicken tastes so good. The meal is life affirming. When we got there around noon, there was a line to get in, since it's only open from 11-3 and it's a pretty small place.We watched as several cabs dropped off groups of people much smarter than we were. After waiting for about a half hour, we got seated. It was a wonder why there was anything besides fried chicken on the menu, because that's what everyone was getting. We later found out that they ran out of chicken shortly after we left. As far as their claim to having the best fried chicken? Well, the Colonel should be dishonorably discharged. It was delicious.The breading was flaky and light and the breast was so good, I was tempted to throw beads at it. As my buddy Evan put it, "a meal worth almost dying for." We decided to call a cab to ferry us back to the relative safety of the mob. When we told our cabbie that we had walked to the restaurant his reaction was, "So, were there five of you originally?"

The best meal we had in New Orleans was at a restaurant called Nola. It's one of Emeril Lagasse's. I cannot emphasize this enough. If you go to New Orleans, GO TO NOLA. It's one of the five best meals I've ever had, and I'm not just saying that because I was hammered at the time. I had the Grilled Pork Chop with Brown Sugar Glazed Sweet Potatoes, Toasted Pecans and Caramelized Onion Reduction Sauce. The sweet potatoes were like candy, the chop was tender, and the sauce was heavenly. Our only regret was that we went there with two days left on the trip. Aside from the aforementioned fried chicken, nothing else came close.

To be concluded...

Mardi Blog: Part(y) One

2011-03-14T20:50:00.006-04:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... Did everyone fill out their brackets today? It's your responsibility as an American. Vote or die. Today's the day when nationwide productivity plummets while we sift through more seeds than a stoner looking for one last toke. It doesn't matter if you haven't watched a college basketball game all season. My girlfriend just picked Old Dominion because she likes the root beer. Let's not get sidetracked, though. We'll get back to remedial bracketology tomorrow. After a week long hiatus, I'm back to chisel through the writer's block and provide you with as much as I can recall of my jaunt to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. I was going to attempt to do this on Friday, but my body needed the extra recovery time to shake the gristle from my fried synapses, which were marinated in whiskey and Hurricanes for three days. Sure, it sounds delicious (if Paula Deen was a zombie), but it was a recipe for one exhausted Jew. Let's see if I can focus and give you a glimpse of what went down.

I landed at Louis Armstrong International Airport at roughly midnight and piled into a cab with five strangers who were all headed to the French Quarter. Our cabbie was an older gentleman who seemed to have already had his fill of the uppity hipsters and douchebag frat boys who were in his city to cause a ruckus. With the party raging on the main drag of Canal St, he dropped us off as close has he could to our respective hotels. Luckily, mine was a quick two blocks to the corner of Canal and Bourbon. I met my buddies, Nick and Gary, at the room, dropped off my stuff, and we decided to wade into the sea of drunken humanity that was Bourbon St.My first impression? Filth. On every level. Garbage strewn in the street, piles of discarded beads, and, since it had rained for two days, everything was slippery. I had to cuff my pant legs so that I wouldn't have to burn them later. And then there's the people. Maybe the A talent was getting in on a later flight, but it was just a Fantasia broomstick army of people who walked off the sets of Maury and The Jerry Springer Show. A parade of stumbling ugly. I was able to document my initial reaction to the shit show...I'm not one to nitpick about physical beauty, I'm a nebbishy tub of goo, but holy crap. And without fail, if we spotted a woman who was remotely attractive, she was tethered to a grotesque fat guy that made Jabba the Hutt look like George Clooney. The soundtrack of Mardi Gras was a persistent woooing. So much woooing, it was like someone shoved a police siren down Ric Flair's throat. The only thing that cut through the wooo was the rhythmic chant of "show your tits!" These particular tits were not the kind that should be encouraged or, unfortunately, needed encouragement. All it took was some particularly shiny boob wampum for some of these girls to release the hounds. It's an odd double standard that exists on the lawless streets of New Orleans. Drunk guys want to see boobs and drunk girls have boobs to offer, but these aren't the boobs you're looking for. The boobs you want are the professional drivers on a closed course, the ones you get are Toonces the Cat crashing through the guard rail. Anyway, we gawked as the drunken current carried us down Bourbon St, then we went back to the hotel around 2am to recharge for whatever debauchery lay ahead.

To be continued...

Streaky

2011-03-04T17:36:00.003-05:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... So, this is the last blog of my two and change month long weekday streak. Roughly 45 entries which, in previous years, has been my usual annual output. So, has this enriched the blog experience for you, the loyal reader? I don't mean that generally, I'm speaking to my one loyal reader. I hope I've been able to keep things remotely interesting and mildly amusing. With the national attention deficit being at an all time high, I'm thankful for whatever time your eyes dart over here.

I plan to pick up where I left off and provide you with a travelogue of my jaunt down to Mardi Gras. There will be tasteful pictures and as clear a recollection as my fried synapses can manage. Keep in mind, not only is this for Mardi Gras, but also for a friend's bachelor party, so some photos and stories may be redacted so that there'll still be a wedding. I still haven't packed yet, but I plan to travel light. I'm going to leave behind my dignity and self respect. I've had several things recommended to me for my trip. I've got to eat fried chicken at Willie Mae's Scotch House, take in some jazz at Preservation Hall, and drink several beverages named for things that destroy other things. My checklist runneth over. If there's anything else I'm missing, please to leave it in the comments section.

See you when I get back...

Party? Moi?

2011-03-03T21:51:00.005-05:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... I'm going to admit this right up front. I've got nothing. I just got back from the kind of meal that bears eat before they start hibernating, so I'm in a digestive daze. But, I want to keep the streak of blogs going until I go on a short hiatus next week. In case you've forgotten, I'm hopping on a plane to New Orleans, where they're having some sort of party. I'm still not quite sure what to expect. Actually, I'm very sure what to expect: drunken mayhem. A near nonstop cacophony of "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" until I get back on the plane to come home. Ten thousand fists all pumping in unison as beads fly haphazardly through the air to the awaiting boobs below. Girls going wild. And I'll be resisting the temptation to call them whippersnappers and yell at them to get off my lawn. I may have to find an Advil patch I can slap directly onto my forehead for the screaming headache I'm going to have. Some people would say that, at 35, my wild partying days are behind me. Well, I never had wild partying days in the first place. I've got one decent tequila story in me, which involved passing out, casually puking onto some guy's carpet, then being carried out of the party by two friends on mine. That was roughly 15 years ago. Other than that, I'm sure there are nuns that throw down harder than I do. I'm not going to pretend I don't drink, I do enjoy a frosty beverage, but I never venture outside the safe confines of fuzzy lucidity. The kids who I'm going to encounter on Bourbon Street black out so much, their memories are patchier than the AIDS quilt. Luckily, I'll be able to find some measure of peace and quiet at the casino. I'll hide from one degenerate vice beneath the underbelly of another. Which reminds me, I still have to pack.

See you Friday.

FIGHT!

2011-03-02T23:12:00.004-05:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... My head hurts, so I'll be whacking the blog pinata until delicious eye candy spills out so you have something to gawk at. I present to you a three video series from the Thousand Pounds Fight Team. Through some creative editing and bad ass fight choreography, they've become a human video game and brought Street Fighter 4 to life. I've never been able to do anything from a video game, except for that one time that I ate all those Flintstones vitamins while ghosts were chasing me. Enjoy...

See you Thursday...

Winning, Duh

2011-03-01T18:39:00.009-05:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... Welcome to the first day of March. Once again, my calendar is a flip book and the first two months of the year are gone. They're not even giving me enough time to procrastinate anymore. Well, I guess time flies when you're winning. So, for Charlie Sheen, tomorrow it'll be 2014. He's absolutely everywhere you look these last two days, giving interviews to anyone within earshot. It's Charlie's world and the rest of us are just along for the tour of the chocolate factory. He's starring in The Sheening, and his two goddesses are those creepy kids in the hallway beckoning him to, "Come play with us, Charlie. For ever and ever and ever." How many other obscure movie references can I make about this? Charlie has spent the last few years developing a immunity to cocaine powder. My question is, why is everyone shocked by him anymore? The man does not care, he's not hurting anyone, his kids seem well cared for, and the only reason why his show got cancelled is because CBS got their panties in a bunch. He wanted to work, and he obviously was doing well enough in his condition to hit his marks up until now. Now he's talking about warlocks and tiger blood, calling Sinatra and Jagger, "droopy-eyed, armless children," and telling AA to take twelve steps off a cliff, so everyone gets all indignant and wonders how he can sleep at night. Well, my friends, if he decides to sleep, it's on a giant pile of money with many beautiful women. He's living the life we all wish we could. If you want to become more of a warlock rock star from Mars in your everyday life, might I recommend Charlie Sheen for the Soul. Charlie Sheen is a hell of a drug.

I have a feeling Gaddafi buried his head into a giant mound of Sheen like Pacino in Scarface. That's the only guy making less sense than Charlie these days. What also makes no sense is there's no consensus on how to spell his name. Maybe because if we get it right, he'll be banished back to the 5th dimension. I've seen "Gaddafi," "Qudhafi," and my personal favorite, "Khadaffi," mostly because it makes me think of Daffy Duck. Hard hitting political insight can be found elsewhere.

I should mention the Oscars before I sign off. They stunk. I'll admit, I didn't see all of the broadcast. I was over a friend's house watching as my Terps toyed with my emotions while losing to UNC, while my girlfriend was hosting an Oscar party for her gal pals. Like I had mentioned on Friday, the only thing I was looking forward to was the In Memoriam segment, and they somehow managed to screw that up. Hollywood legends like Tony Curtis and Dennis Hopper got the same amount of screen time as a key grip from Howard the Duck. How do you not have Leslie Neilsen saying his classic, "Don't call me Shirley," line from Airplane? And they completely left out Corey Haim and Peter Graves. The hosts were awful. I've haven't seen worse chemistry since the time I tried to make a battery out of a potato in my 4th grade science fair. James Franco was so wooden, he made Al Gore look like Dane Cook. By the end of the show, I thought Anne Hathaway was going to try to cut off her arm to get out from under him. There was such a sigh of relief when Billy Crystal was introduced, I thought the producers has brought him out of cryogenic freeze to take over. This just further proves that you never send an actor to do a comedian's job.

See you Wednesday.

A Moment of Silence

2011-02-28T22:50:00.005-05:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... Welcome back from the weekend. I was going to have my usual blog full of blather and bluster. I was ready to give you a recap of the Oscars and Charlie Sheen's latest ranting. Unfortunately, fate had other plans. I got kicked in the gut this morning by the news that my friend, high school classmate, and my first college roommate, Adam Lilling, died suddenly yesterday. I'm dumbfounded and devastated. Today was spent corresponding with friends about funeral arrangements and reminiscing about the last time we talked to Adam. It's tough to come to terms with someone passing in his 30's, especially when you're also in your 30's. No word on a cause of death, but no cause I can think of would make sense anyway.

Adam wrote the closing poem in our high school yearbook for our senior year. I'd like to share that with you...

Eternal Now and Again

Walls crumbling

dictators fallen under their tide

desolate soil nourishes feeble limbs,

yet the leaves turn yellow in autumn

and the sea breeze still stings our face.

Wide-eyed twilight moon, gazing into our tomorrow

sun glares in our eyes as it has for infinite yesterdays

and the trees will grow from the ground.

A world turning steadily ahead in circles

but to us it's different, not the same reality

always higher or lower - incessantly in flux

Tomorrow beckons.

We'll miss you, Adam.

Friday Round Up

2011-02-25T22:55:00.004-05:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... For all of you who were working for the weekend, congratulations, you've arrived. I just got back from a show at my alma mater, the University of Maryland, to judge a preliminary round of the District's Funniest College competition and tell jokes to the disaffected youth. Not only was the audience packed, but all of the fifteen contestants acquitted themselves nicely. Go Terps. Afterwards, I got to talking to a couple current members of the sketch comedy group I helped found, Sketchup. They'll be having their 15th anniversary show in April. I feel proud and old at the same time.

Apparently, Charlie Sheen has gone Busey on us. If you haven't heard his radio rant from yesterday, he referred to himself as a "Vatican assassin warlock." If that's not the next movie on SyFy Channel, I'll be sorely disappointed. He can fight Sharktopus. He rambled for about twenty minutes about how he's healed himself with his mind and how he's unappreciated for polishing turds into comedy gold. Do yourself a favor and give it a listen. It makes Mel Gibson sound like Frasier Crane. Now CBS has halted production on Two and a Half Men and everyone is worried what will become of one of the highest rated sitcoms on TV. I have a simple solution for them. Something that has worked for shows like Happy Days and Married with Children. Two words: Ted McGinley. He's plug and play. Give him a call. I bet his schedule is wide open.

The Oscars are Sunday and the only thing I'm really looking forward to is the In Memoriam segment. I've only seen two of the flicks that are up for Best Picture, Inception and The Fighter. All I know is, Inception was one of the most satisfying movie going experiences I've had in about five years. It was original and well made. Right now, my opinion of the movie industry isn't great. So many remakes and reboots and regurgitated crap in 3-D. There are plans in the works to remake Fletch, Highlander, and to reboot Spider-man and Superman. Hollywood, reboot thyself. Just re-release the original movies. You're just trying to mine the nostalgia anyway. Howabout you leave our memories alone and go make some new ones, huh? By the way, if you pay money to see Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son, we can't be friends anymore. Just putting that out there.

See you Monday.

A Little Chili

2011-02-24T19:52:00.004-05:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... Happy National Chili Day to you and yours. I just got back from the Hard Times Cafe, where I did my patriotic duty and enjoyed a free bowl of meat. That's right, at the Hard Times Cafe, you got a free bowl of chili with any purchase. So, I washed down my glass of sweet tea with a heaping bowl of Texas chili. As I was wiping away the last crumbs of cornbread, the waitress said something that I found odd. She was a bit frazzled by the uptick in business on this glorious day and she told me that people can be mean when they get free food. They were getting indignant and angry upon finding out they had to pay extra for toppings, like sour cream and jalapenos. You ungrateful bastards. Free food is one of the most joyous things in this world, and you have to sully it with your pettiness. When a nice lady, working for tips, is good enough to bring free food to your table, you greet her with a smile. Don't make her job harder by being petulant. When our forefathers declared today National Chili Day, they wanted to reward the people with a warm hearty bowl of goodness and allow us to share in the spirit of togetherness that free chili brings. Don't get greedy. Enjoy your free chili and don't look at the bowl as half empty.

See you Friday.

Picture Page

2011-02-23T23:27:00.010-05:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Well, then this blog will contain roughly five thousand words. I was going through my camera after telling you about my trip to Calvert Cliffs, and I realized that I had a bunch of random shots on here that I've never shared. Mostly things I found odd or amusing during my comedy road trips. So, in the interest of padding the blog like a 14 year old girl's bra on her first date, here we go...A typo? At a Hooters? I'm shocked, shocked to find that gambling is going on in here. Either it was a typo or there was a Mothers Against Drunk Driving event going on. Everybody else seemed all for it, however.

I call this one, "Sweet Victory, Sweet Tea."

Here's a creepy wall of puppets I found at J*R Discount Outlet that should adequately haunt your nightmares.

No comment.

Here's a receipt I got at a Donato's in Lake Norman, NC. Check out how the girl behind the counter chose to spell my name. JARADD. I don't mind that she mixed up the vowels, but what's up with the double D? I've never seen anyone stutter at the end of someone's name before. It looks like I'm a henchman in a skateboard gang. I've seen many misspellings of my name, but I've never seen it turned into a Picasso like that before.

And, finally, here's a prize that was available at the North Carolina State Fair. A stuffed Michael Jackson. Let's get beyond the irony of winning a stuffed MJ for your child to cuddle with. I've never seen a stuffed version of an ACTUAL PERSON. Characters, sure, but last time I checked, Michael Jackson wasn't fictional. Happy Black History Month, by the way. Stay classy, North Carolina. Sheesh.

See you Thursday...

Alone Time

2011-02-22T22:21:00.007-05:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... This installment of the blog may be more of a rambling mess than usual. My girlfriend is gone on a business trip to sunny San Diego and I've been left to my own devices. One device in particular, my Sega Dreamcast, has been occupying the bulk of my time since I got home from work. And I wasn't even playing a game from when Dreamcast was new. I was frying my eyeballs playing Shining Force, which originally came out when I graduated high school. Still holds up. Since I don't have to divide my attention between it and her, I decided to plug in and make up for a couple days of neglect. She gets flowers, it gets its buttons mashed. Games like that eat time and in that time, you forget to eat. Want a great diet plan? Get invested in a turn based RPG. Your eyes will be a little sunken, and your complexion might get a little pallid, but the rapid eye movement really burns the calories. In the blink of a bloodshot eye, three hours were gone. It was only because I set an alarm that I realized that I needed to get typing to make my arbitrary deadline. Anywho, I'm done interacting with the imaginary forces of good and evil and I'm ready to interact with you, my imaginary readers.

Happy 93rd Birthday to legendary television voice, Don Pardo. He's been the voice behind countless TV programs and gameshows, including Saturday Night Live, which he continues to do even in his 90's. Here's a fun trivia question for you. Don Pardo is one of only two people to have a lifetime contract with NBC. Can you name the other person? If you answer it correctly, Mr Pardo would tell you that you've won a twenty volume set of the Encyclopedia International, a case of Turtle Wax, and a year's supply of Rice-A-Roni, the San Francisco Treat. But that's not all!

The State Department has issued a travel warning for Libya. Great, now Spring Break is ruined. Do you really have to tell people not to go to Libya? Maybe there is some hidden exotic destination somewhere over there, but even if you get a great rate from Travelocity, I'm pretty sure most people will be able to pass on the deal. If you have your bags packed and have your Southwest boarding pass tucked in your jacket pocket and it takes a State Department travel advisory to tell you it might be a bad idea to check out Six Flags Over Tripoli, they should just stamp your passport with a big red DUMBASS. Just sayin' is all.

See you Wednesday...

Prez Dispenser

2011-02-21T21:47:00.013-05:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... Happy President's Day to you and yours. The day when we celebrate the presidents of the past, like George Washington and Abraham Lincoln, and the presidents of the modern day, like David Palmer and Bill Pullman from Independence Day. It's because of them that we're able to get such great deals on mattresses and cars. While some presidents are well known to us, there are some that remain a mystery...

So, here's my gym update thus far. I've been going and sticking to the regimen that the trainer showed me. I tried to kick it up a notch and take a cardio kickboxing class today. Here's a sure sign that such a class is not for you: your field of vision starts to narrow five minutes in. Holy crap, am I out of shape. My girlfriend tells me that the burning in my lungs was normal, but that was red flag for me. I gave it what I could before stumbling out of the class to try to catch my breath, which left a couple minutes before.

On Sunday, my gal and I embarked on a road trip. We flipped a series of coins to figure out which direction to go, and south won. We ended up at Calvert Cliffs State Park...It was pretty scenic. It was a picturesque (because I took pictures) two mile hike out to the cliffs, which were essentially carved out of years of erosion. They were made of sand and clay. People are encouraged to dig through the layers to try and find fossilized shark teeth and such. I had been spoiled for nature after my visit to the Grand Canyon last year, but enough time had past that I wasn't so jaded that this wasn't cool to look at. Nature is fun, when it's not trying to kill you. Here are some other shots from our hike...I'm a regular Ansel Adams. Anyway, it's a fun way to spend a Sunday if you've got nothing to do. It was about an hour and a half drive and Solomon's Island is right near by, if you dig seafood.

See you Tuesday.

Friday Night Videos

2011-02-18T21:53:00.005-05:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... Another gorgeous day in DC-land. Ice cream men and women got themselves a bonus day to peddle popscicles if they were able to wake from their hibernation, wipe the sleep out of their eyes, and jump start the truck. Everyone was out and about today, test driving frisbees and letting children off their leashes to frolic. I hope you got your lazy butts outside and cleansed your insides with some fresh spring-like air. If you did, cherish it because in a matter of moments that fresh air is going to whip up 50+ mile per hour winds and try to forcibly take that breath back. I'd like to go a week without the weather forecast including something out of a biblical wrath story. Topper Shutt might as when grow a beard like Evan Almighty at this point. You've enjoyed the good, so now it's time to hunker down and outlast the oncoming bad. To that end, for your viewing pleasure, and so I don't have to type as much, I offer some shiny moving pictures to gawk at rather than twist in the wind...

I give you action...

I give you sarcasm...

And I give you kids saying the darndest things...

Are you not entertained? Then go fly a kite. Except tonight, the kite flies you. I don't know what I'm talking about either. See you Monday.

Hot Hot Hot

2011-02-17T15:24:00.004-05:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... Urp. Excuse me. I am stuffed. I just got done having hipster fish n' chips: sushi and tater tots. Do yourself a favor, if you ever get to Sticky Rice on H St, order the Bucket of Tots. Food is always better when served in a bucket. That's sage advice from the Colonel to me to you. I hope everyone is enjoying this sudden onset of beautiful weather in the DC area. Savor it. Drink it in. It'll probably snow next week. Remember, if you don't like the weather in DC, wait a minute. There's a scientific reason why we're heating up. No, not global warming, silly. The sun is trying to kill us...

A magnitude X2.2 solar flare that occurred on Monday will reach Earth during the late hours of February 17th, with the potential for geomagnetic storms and spectacular views of the aurora borealis, or the northern lights. This latest solar flare happens to be the strongest unleashed by the sun in nearly four years.

Yeah, so enjoy the sixty degree weather, because apparently we're being preheated. Somebody call Michael Bay, Bruce Willis, and Steven Tyler. They're the only ones that can save us. The flare could potentially wreak havoc with GPS satellites and electronic devices. Thanks for not letting that havoc keep you from reading the blog, by the way. You guys are real troopers. One thing I'm sure of, somebody's getting superpowers out of this.

Speaking of things trying to kill us, Watson, IBM's gameshow murderbot, took the first step toward overthrowing humanity and crushed two of our biggest nerds on Jeopardy. The last three days was just so IBM could show off their vast improvement on the Magic 8-ball. All that was missing was someone putting a top hat on it and having it sing "Puttin' on the Ritz." With defeat imminent, Ken Jennings took it all in stride...I think Ken then challenged Watson to a foot race. Or thumb wrestling. We're doomed.

But, at least tomorrow is Friday. 'Til then.

Take a Look, It's in a Book...

2011-02-16T10:22:00.007-05:00

Hey there 'Redheads... Happy Hump Day to you and yours. Since I started writing this blog on a weekdaily basis, you might have noticed that, on some days, the content can be a little thin. There've been some days where flies have been buzzing around the blog's eyes. So, I'm a big fan when the news drops a turnip in my lap from which I can squeeze some blood...

From the Washington Post: Yet another analog bookseller has taken a step closer to a digital demise. Borders filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy this morning, hoping to restructure its finances and reboot its operations.

That's right, folks, Borders has filed for Chapter 11. Why don't they just wait for the movie to come out? I'm guessing that's not Chapter 11 of "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People." Don't spoil it for me. I haven't gotten past Chapter 3 yet. Gee, I wonder where Borders could find information about navigating a bankruptcy? If you go to a Borders and there's a copy of "Bankruptcy For Dummies" left on the shelf, then they're just not trying. I bet there's at least one guy in Arizona who woke up this morning, saw the story about Borders closing and said, "'Bout time." What sucks is, most people probably read this story online. Everything is online now. I'm not writing this with a quill and ink. It's only a matter of time before books are quaint relics. It stinks, but it's true. Our culture is lazy, and books are heavy. You can put an entire library on an iPad now. This is bad news for a large segment of our economy. Makers of bookshelves and sassy bookmarks will have to find a new skill set. The loss of Borders is a mixed blessing, if you think about it. That's one less place where people can buy Snooki's book.

Speaking of light reading, I passed a sign on the beltway that said "DUI Enforcement Area". That seems to imply that in every other area, they'll just let it slide.

See you Thursday.

R.I.P. Inspector Kemp

2011-02-15T14:28:00.004-05:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... Today, we lost another cast member from one of my favorite movies, Young Frankenstein. Actor, Kenneth Mars died today at the age of 75, from pancreatic cancer. Some of you may not recognize the name, but you'd recognize the face. He's probably best known for his role in the original The Producers...

If you've never seen it, and you've been brainwashed by the remake that was spawned from the musical, do yourself a favor and shove it to the front of your Netflix queue. Bar none, one of the funniest movies ever made. As I mentioned before, he also had a prominent role in another movie that easily ranks in my top five, if no the top five, Young Frankenstein...

Come to think of it, that movie was turned into a musical too. Kenny, we hardly knew ye...

See you Wednesday...

Love is a Many Splendored Blog

2011-02-14T21:09:00.004-05:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... Love is in the air, everywhere you look around. Happy Valentine's Day to all of my readers. I hope you all took advantage of the first bona fide beautiful day of 2011 and shared some time with your respective sweeties. And an extra special Valentine's Day wish for the special gal who puts up with my daily shenanigans. She finds my crass mannerisms cute and adorable, and if this blog was the highest rooftop, I'd be happy to loudly proclaim that I love her. We just got done eating heart shaped ravioli. I'll give you a moment to grab your insulin. We should celebrate love, while we still have semi-exclusive rights to it. Pretty soon, IBM will find a way to hard wire it into a computer and show it off on The Newlywed Game. I don't know if you watched Watson, the IBM computer, compete on Jeopardy tonight, but humanity is holding its own so far. Part two of the show airs tomorrow night, and you owe it to the species to root against this infant version of Skynet. When it gets to Final Jeopardy, I'm guessing it's final wager will be us. Until that day, when our laptops recharge their batteries with our blood, celebrate love.

Love comes in many forms. As I rediscovered over the weekend, love is a Thin Mint. I turned the corner at Eastern Market, and I heard a chorus of angels as the folding table with its crunchy sweet boxes of happiness appeared before me. Sure, the Girl Scouts have jacked up the price another fifty cents, but would you let fifty cents keep you from bliss? I think not. And ignore the serving size they put on there. Four cookies? Pshaw. One sleeve is the recommended serving.

There is also love between a man and his dog, and I've never seen that love expressed so purely as it is in this video...

I smell a cross over between Dancing With The Stars and Animal Planet. Just don't ask me where I smell it.

Today is not only Valentine's Day, of course. Another big event happened today. The release of Marvel vs. Capcom 3...

I've been waiting a long time to mainline this game into my eyeballs. I welcome whatever seizures may come with it. Maybe I was wrong about Watson. Maybe the machines will just use games like this to turn our brains into tapioca pudding. Whatever, I like pudding.

See you Tuesday...

Filler, Buster...

2011-02-11T17:37:00.004-05:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... I'll level with you, I've got nothin'. This is just being written to fill space, so I may keep the streak alive. So, let's see how long my stream of consciousness can go 'til it runs dry. Speaking of the streak, it will be coming to an end. March 4th is going to be my last planned consecutive entry. Pending a few details to be worked out, I'll be on a plane to New Orleans for a double shot of debauchery, a buddy's bachelor party and Mardi Gras, the next day. I don't see much blogging getting done up through Fat Tuesday. Rest assured, you'll get a big fat hungover entry of all of my fuzzy memories and thought out alibis from the trip.

I'm not sure what to expect. I'm excited, but I'm also filled with dread. Sure, this crosses Mardi Gras off my bucket list, but I don't want to be puking into that bucket. I'm looking to have a good time, not a sequel to The Hangover. I'm an old 35, and most of the people down there will be hammered twenty-somethings. My heavy drinking days are behind me and I hate being caught in loud teeming mobs of drunk people, I don't care how many boobs are involved. I may try to treat the trip like a safari. New Orleans is the natural habitat of the drunk tramp. It's fitting that so many guys will attempt to track their mating habits. So, this will either be an amazing time, or my own personal hell. Many consider New Orleans to be the devil's waiting room anyway. So, we'll see. Nothing's official just yet. Like I said, I'm just trying to fill space.

Before I sign off, Happy Birthday to Thomas Edison. Somehow it seems wrong to put candles in the cake.

Have a good weekend. See you Valentine's Day.

Thursday Random Crap

2011-02-10T18:21:00.009-05:00

Hey there 'Redheads... Today is a day of rest for me. I've had a couple late nights in a row, combined with teetering on the edge of illness, so my batteries are in need of a recharge. To that end, this space will be sprinkled with a couple quick observations you may have already seen on Facebook. But, if you didn't catch them there, then they'll be new to you.

I saw this on a license plate yesterday...
I was able to figure out that the owner of the car meant to say "Winnie the Pooh" (WIN-E-D-POO). At least, I hope that's what they meant. At first glance, the message they send is "classy drunk incontinence". If I ever got a vanity plate, this is what I'd get...
Guys, if you're stuck on what to get your special someone for Valentine's Day, fear not. Papa John's has your back. You can order a heart shaped pizza. Aww, isn't that cute? What better way to say, "Honey, you are the garlic butter sauce of my life." Tell her that your love for her is so big that it clogs your arteries.

I'm pissed about the new Harry Houdini action figure that I saw at the store. If it was really Houdini, the package would be empty.

And finally, here's a piece of eye candy for you to suck on...

See you Friday. I'm going to bed.

No NFL Make Fans Something Something

2011-02-09T11:37:00.009-05:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... I'm a solutions oriented guy. I hate hearing that two sides of a major issue are at an impasse. The impending NFL lockout looms over the sports world as fans brace themselves for potential missed games next season. Sure, the big sticking point for the players is the 18 game season that the owners are trying to push through at the expense of player health. All big issues. You know what the fans care about? Having to watch bowling because football isn't on. Having to spend time doing chores and shopping with significant others. Having to actually do work because our fantasy football teams are playing golf. Having to resort to gambling on the WNBA (take the under, btw). Productivity will skyrocket. Fresh air consumption will go through the roof. Couch cushions will retain their original shape. The collateral damage will be tremendous. In order to avert this potential catastrophe, I offer a simple solution that will offer a suitable alternative to the fans in the NFL's absence. Something to keep us locked in during the lockout. Two words: Televised Madden. Why not? The graphics already look damn near real life...

Get a player representative from each team, or a lucky fan, to take the controller from week to week and play out the season. You could even turn off the commentary (but it's Gus Johnson, so why would you?) and have the respective network broadcast teams call the games. Don't act like you wouldn't watch. It'd be a better quality product than the UFL. Or they could always televise the Puppy Regular Season. I'm just spitballing here. Let's just hope it doesn't come to this. Get your poop in a group, NFL. The Redskins have horrible decisions to make and I have a fantasy football crown to defend.

See you Thursday.

Sick Day

2011-02-08T12:02:00.007-05:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... I'm still sick. I wanted to expound on the ad nausea of the Super Bowl, but my head is in too much of a haze to cobble together anything resembling coherent or funny. Yeah, I know, what's been my excuse up until now? Touche. Anywho, in order to keep the streak going, I'll use the preferred method of hungover teachers. Put on a filmstrip and put my head down in the back of the room. So, enjoy this pretty awesome short film, Lazy Teenage Superheroes. It's got cool characters, great special effects, an original presentation, and it was all made for roughly $3000. It beats the crap out of alot of big studio stuff out there...

Hopefully, I'll be done with my mucous fueled dream quest by tomorrow. 'Til then...

The Bloginning

2011-02-07T11:07:00.008-05:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... I'm just coming to after a combination of a humdinger of a Super Bowl and a wicked head cold. Benadryl is a hell of a drug. Yes, my nasal passages were rooting for Green Bay as they leaked green and gold all night. The rest of me was firmly behind them as well, mostly because I had $20 riding on them, but also because I picked 'em on this blog and I didn't want to muck up my playoff prognostication streak. Congrats to the Packers and a special shout out to Kenyan Steeler fans, who are thrilled their team was finally able to win a second championship.

But the Super Bowl isn't just about the game, it's all of the pomp and circumstance that go along with it. Like Christina Aguilera, who looked suspiciously like Snooki in a blond wig, singing the national anthem, kinda. I wasn't paying attention to her performance enough to catch it, but it lit up the internet like a Christmas tree, so I feel like I can expertly comment on it. I have a helpful performance hint that would've avoided this embarrassing flub. Rehearsal? Heavens, no. Civics class? No. Howabout you tattoo the lyrics on the inside of your eyelids, so when you're soulfully closing your eyes to hit those unnecessary notes, you can make sure what gave proof through the night that our flag was still there. It's not only one of the shortest, but one of the most ubiquitous songs in our culture. It goes "Happy Birthday", then "The Star Spangled Banner", then "Baby" by Justin Bieber. Luckily for Christina, she wasn't the most horrendous performance of the night. That honor goes to Fergie from The Black-Eyed Peas. I'm not exactly sure, but I think when she started singing is when I started showing symptoms. I was excited for the halftime show, too, because I read an interview with Will.He.Is, and he said they were going to take it "to the next level." Little did I know, he meant literally, as they were lowered from the top of the stadium to the...next level. What a shit show that was. The Peas are a great studio group, but as a live show, they make The Spice Girls looks like Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band. Good thing they bought out the Lite-Brite aisle of Sam's Club to help distract from the autotuned awfulness. The only real singer in the group is Fergie, who trained with the prestigious Kids Incorporated. Maybe she was just overwhelmed by the enormity of it all, or maybe her dress gave her a momentary epileptic fit, but all I know is it takes a pretty wretched performance to make me miss Axl Rose. It took some real restraint by Slash to not go upside her head with his guitar. Then, after the glowing cube heads finished prancing around the stage, Will.U.Ain't asked the question, "Where is the love?" then "The Beginning" flashed on the jumbotron. My immediate reaction was, "Dear God, don't let them start over again."

The commercials, on the whole, were forgettable. It was nice to see that the pooches from The Puppy Bowl were able to score endorsement deals. Was it just me, or did every other ad have dogs in it? Could've been reparations from the whole Michael Vick incident. Maybe I'm just jaded, or maybe my head was too full of mucous, but nothing really stuck with me.

See you Tuesday.

Shellfish Shocked

2011-02-04T23:29:00.007-05:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... It's damn near midnight on Friday, so the streak remains unbroken. I just got home from a a fun night out with some pals, dismembering, dipping, and devouring crustaceans over at Hot n' Juicy Crawfish over in Woodley Park. If that sounds familiar, it's because the Las Vegas location was featured on Man vs. Food. It was primally delicious. There's nothing quite like taking apart an animal with your bare hands, then slurping it down your gullet, leaving behind nothing but a pile of empty husks.We went through about six bags of mollusks, ranging from crawfish, to crab legs, to shrimp. And those that were not eaten, were made to dance for our amusement.

S'alright? S'alright.

Speaking of devouring, I'd like to share an awesome picture with my fellow dorks out there...Yeah, I'd say that's a fair fight.

Before I sign off, here's my pick for the Super Bowl. I take the cheese to stand alone. And for the Puppy Bowl, take the under.

See you Monday.

Good Pain

2011-02-03T21:34:00.009-05:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... Happy Chinese New Year...in bed. Wow, is it the Year of the Rabbit already? The time does fly. So, remember, a couple blogs ago, when I told you that I was going to the gym? Rockin' the treadmill, breaking sweat like plates at a Greek wedding. Yeah, well, y'know what I wasn't doing? Any actual exercise. When we redeemed the Groupon over at Results Gym last week, I signed up for a one time consult with a trainer, so I could make sure I wasn't doing anything incorrectly. Well, that consult was today. The initial result? OUCH. I'm more lactic acid now than man; twisted and evil. I wince when I walk, I whimper when I sit, and I whine when I stand up. Then my girlfriend reminds me that I am a giant baby. She's tough, but fair. I have muscle groups that have woken up out of a three year coma. My biceps are pissed because I didn't maintain their haircut and my glutes can't believe the president is black. This is what I wanted, though. The pain lets me know that I actually did something and begs me to never do it again. We went through a pretty basic regimen that included lunges, push-ups, dips, and curls. The lunges came first and after the second set, my legs turned to pudding. I was about as sure footed as Bambi on a frozen pond. And most of these exercises were done in front of a mirror so I could see my face contort with each exasperated rep. All of this will hopefully get my cardio up to a level of non-embarrassment. The goal I've set for myself is to run in Survive DC when it comes around again this year without wheezing after the first all out sprint. I'll, of course, keep you posted. I'll have a bag of frozen peas on my ass in the meantime.

See you Friday.

The Shadow Knows...

2011-02-02T10:22:00.005-05:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... Good news from the immortal Pennsylvanian prognosticator, Punxutawney Phil. He did not see his shadow this year, so it's nothing but sunshine and lollipops because Spring is just around the corner. Unless you live in the 75% of the country that is currently being flash frozen by yet another brutal cold snap. It's snowing in Dallas. It's so cold down there, the Green Bay Packers decided to practice indoors. I think either Phil is going blind or maybe he was just being sarcastic. Y'know who else didn't see their shadow today? This guy... I've been to Punxutawney and I know the inner workings of the groundhog illuminati. Read all about it.

In other news, the Terps take on the current incarnation of evil in the NCAA, the Cobra Kai of college basketball, Duke tonight in College Park. Duke is the only good team in the ACC right now and the Terps are young and inconsistent. Duke is coming off having their asses handed to them by St. John's, so they're going to be angry but the Terps always play them hard, including a close loss against the Dukies in their house. If we win, look for the plume of smoke from the celebratory couch burning. If we lose, look for the plume of smoke from the despondent couch burning. Either way, the Terps express themselves through charred upholstery. I just want them to play well and give a couple hard fouls to that sweaty orc, Kyle Singler...He hasn't seen his shadow either because it ran away.

See you Thursday...

Tuesday News Day

2011-02-01T09:41:00.009-05:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... After I got done with yesterday's blog, I realized that I had neglected worldwide goings on in favor of a comedian's hair. So, let's broaden our scope and take a look at the news of the day. Like the ruckus in Egypt...Wait a minute. FOX News might need to fire a staff cartographer. To be fair, at least the map doesn't have "BAD PEOPLE" scrawled on it in red crayon. Isn't Egypt part of Africa? I have to admit that I don't know where Egypt is either, but I'm not a major news organization. Ah, here it is...Good thing Egypt can't be offended by the mix up, because the government TURNED OFF THE INTERNET. I'm not sure what effect that would have on us. We'd either take to the streets with a pitchfork app or we'd somehow adapt by learning to spell "LOL" with smoke signals. Two things regarding the decision to shut down the internet. First, where is the giant OFF switch located, and do Mark Zuckerburg and Al Gore have turn a key simultaneously? Second, I think shutting it down would have the same effect that Mr. Burns taking away beer and TV had in that parody of The Shining on The Simpsons. No porn and no email make Egypt something something. Apparently, this uprising was organized through Facebook. I'd like to see that event invitation. I can't get five people to show up to a free comedy show. Now that I'm taking a closer look at the map, you'd think the people in Karnak would've seen this coming (anyone?). And they should've thought something was fishy in Tuna El Gabai (c'mon, people). There's been widespread looting and they even ransacked the tomb of King Tut. Steve Martin will be releasing a statement shortly. If there's one thing that will quell a revolution, I've got to believe it'll be a mummy curse. Now, the big concern is whether this will affect our gas prices. That's what I love about this country. A nation is in complete political upheaval, and we find a way to make it all about us.

See you Wednesday...

Hair Raising

2011-01-31T21:33:00.008-05:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... Everybody have a good weekend? Mine was pretty fun. I filled in as MC for a couple late night shows at the Arlington Drafthouse with comedy comrade, Tim Miller, and your headliner, Orny Adams. You may remember Orny from Jerry Seinfeld's documentary, Comedian. He's the other comedian that the camera follows around when it's not on Jerry. A fun time was had by all. Even with the snow, people found their way to us to warm up with some laughs. Orny's got a Comedy Central special coming out soon. I recommend you check it out. His look has changed over the past couple years. His hair is bigger. The reason I mention that is because I was talking about it with Tim and I remarked that he looked like Lord Whorfin from Buckaroo Banzai...Tim had no idea what the hell I was talking about. So, I went with a different reference and I said he looked like Heat Miser...Still had no idea. I'm not that much older than him. Are these two things that obscure? I get not having seen Buckaroo Banzai (but seriously, if you haven't, rent it), but who hasn't heard of Heat Miser? Is it a black/white thing? Help me out, people. Anyway, was I far off?Just sayin' is all...

Also, because of my comedic responsibilities, I missed out on seeing my first monster truck rally. You heard me. Monster Jam was in town and, on a lark, a bunch of friends decided to go. I was pretty jealous that couldn't partake in the white trash festivities. I've been to plenty of live wrestling events, but this is on another level. I'm sure it was a hoot and a holler. It's not often that you get a chance to cheer on cars getting crushed by bigger cars, unless a Hummer backs over a Smart Car while parallel parking.

More on Tuesday...

Friday Random Crap

2011-01-28T12:19:00.008-05:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... It's finally Friday and this whole regular blogging thing is still humming despite my obvious lack of content. I was watching the Today Show this morning and they did a story on duct cleaning scams with Chris Hanson from Dateline. They had him pop out in some lady's basement to confront a shady duct tech. I bet that guy was too busy frantically thinking about every email and IM he's ever sent to concentrate on his shoddy workmanship.

Here are two videos that'll make your face melt, they're so awesome. First, here's a video of what I can only imagine is a ninja in his spare time...

This video pretty much tells Isaac Newton to go fuck himself. For this guy, gravity might as well be a speed limit sign. He can't drive 55. The next video is a piece of Bollywood brilliance, Endhiran...

Not even Michael Bay, in his wildest fever dreams, could come with something that insane. And how bad ass is that guy? He looks like Deepak Chopra's evil twin, ridding himself of negative emotions one bullet at a time. I'd actually like to see him take on the guy from the first video.

For those of you in the Arlington, VA area, I picked up a fill-in MC gig over at the Arlington Drafthouse tonight and tomorrow. Yeah, you only get about 5 minutes of me, but Tim Miller and Orny Adams will the there to pick up the slack.

See you Monday...

Diggin' Out

2011-01-27T12:00:00.005-05:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... Is everyone enjoying your snow day? Unfortunately, I had to go to work today, but since everybody else was socked in, my commute was a breeze. A stiff cold breeze. But the roads were clean and clear. I guess people didn't abandon their cars on my route to work. I can't believe people did that. Maybe I'm just spoiled with four-wheel drive, but in blizzard conditions, I'd rather be in a heated metal shell than out. How do all you snooty Prius owners feel about our gas guzzlers now, huh? The environment doesn't care what you're trying to do for it. Case in point, my buddy Nick, who swapped his hybrid with his mother's 4x4 to make sure his car didn't slip into an embankment. While he was able to get around during the storm, a tree fell an crushed his hybrid in his mom's driveway. What I'm saying is, you owe it to yourself to put nature in it's place. Go spray some aerosol.

I'd like to get in on the snowings-on, so I think I'll attempt a roof deck snowman when I get home. Happy to not be one of the 400,000 people without power in the DC area. If I were still living at the former Stately Stern Manor, I'd probably be in Amish country too. Hopefully, you're still able to read the blog by candlelight.

For those of you who gave my trivia questions a go, here are the answers...

1. Who is the only actor that has been killed by a Terminator, an Alien, and a Predator? That would be Bill Paxton, who bought it in Aliens, Predator 2, and he was in Terminator. He was one of the punks that Arnold killed for their clothes in the beginning...

2. What movie did Steven Speilberg give Dan Aykroyd a cameo in to thank him for putting Speilberg in Blues Brothers? Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Aykroyd is the guy that greets Indy at Lao Che's air field.

3. Who was originally cast as Marty McFly in Back to the Future, but was fired three weeks into filming and replaced by Michael J. Fox? Eric Stoltz.

4. Who holds the world record for playing the longest note ever recorded on a saxophone? Kenny G, who, using circular breathing, held an E-flat for 45 minutes and 47 seconds.

5. Which living actor has made the most films to date? Not Samuel L. Jackson. Not even close. He only has 107 films to his credit. The correct answer is Christopher Lee, who at the age of 89 has appeared in over 260 films.

Hope you liked 'em. Maybe we'll make this a regular feature on here. Or not. See you Friday.

Bloggin' in a Winter Wonderland

2011-01-26T20:54:00.003-05:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... Well, I guess the people in the snow business finally got their bulk shipment in. Everyone's inner five year old roots for the white stuff until it snarls traffic and keeps your outer thirtysomething on the beltway for three hours. It sure is pretty, though. I usually host a trivia night in Bethesda on Wednesday nights, which got shelved because I place a higher priority on not dying on a drive home to Capitol Hill at 10pm. My priorities are way out of whack. Since I didn't get a chance to ask pointed pointless questions for points, why don't I lay some triviality on you, the snowbound reader? That question was rhetorical and does not count. Try not to google the answers...

1. Who is the only actor that has been killed by a Terminator, an Alien, and a Predator?

2. What movie did Steven Speilberg give Dan Aykroyd a cameo in to thank him for putting Speilberg in Blues Brothers?

3. Who was originally cast as Marty McFly in Back to the Future, but was fired three weeks into filming and replaced by Michael J. Fox?

4. Who holds the world record for playing the longest note ever recorded on a saxophone?

5. Which living actor has made the most films to date?

Answers tomorrow. 'Til then...

State of Me

2011-01-25T22:35:00.004-05:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... I, like alot of you, just got done watching the State of the Union address. In order to spice up the proceedings, I drank every time John Boehner got weepy. I am hammered. Man, he did not look happy when Obama brought up clean energy. This doesn't make any sense to me. He's so tan, you'd think he'd be pro-solar power. Boehner is so orange, he makes Snooki look like Gwyneth Paltrow. When Obama started talking about how the space race spurred such growth back in the 60's, I was hoping he'd say, "...which is why I propose we put a man on Mars before the North Koreans do!" I thought it was a good speech, but with the intermingled seating between parties, it was tough to tell which side agreed with him. I always enjoyed the lopsided standing ovations of States of the Union past, one side on their feet, while the other side has their arms crossed and bitter beer faces. But enough about the Union. Let's get to the state of me.

I'm not sure what's gotten into me lately, but this is the second night in a row I've gone to the gym. My girlfriend got a Groupon for a one month membership to Results, so now I aim to get some. I've started slow, literally, I'm power walking on the treadmill. Two and a half miles over randomly inclined terrain at a brisk 3.5 speed setting. I know, I'm an animal. A sloth. I had to keep myself from laughing when a woman in her sixties got on the treadmill next to me. Here I am, at 3.5, with a variable incline of 0 to 1.5, and I look over to see her at 3.6 at a steady incline of 7. Maybe I'll try a water aerobics class tomorrow. Anyway, it's a start. I've stayed steady with the blog, so maybe I can stick with this and mold this tub of goo into something that resembles abs. Let's just go for one ab. Baby steps. In fact, I half expect a toddler to bench more than me at this point.

See you Wednesday...

301

2011-01-24T13:48:00.007-05:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... I hope everyone found a way to keep warm over the weekend. Man it's cold. It's like Antarctica cold. Nanook couldn't take this kind of cold. It's toughest on the homeless, though I haven't seen any garbage can fires. I hope they realize, for the environment's sake, it's much more responsible to set fire to a recycling bin. ***The more you know...

I huddled up with some friends in front of a glowing movie theater screen at midnight on Saturday to let Aliens soothe my shivers like a cup of hot cocoa. My girlfriend could not understand why I was spending $10 to see a movie that I own on DVD. I've seen it more times than I can count. It's on my iPod. I could do a one man show of nothing but Aliens quotes. That's not the point. Never pass up an opportunity to see a classic flick on the big screen. Speaking of which, Airplane! is coming back to theaters for two days next week, 1/29 @ 12:30pm and 2/1 @ 7pm, at select AMC theaters. Do yourself a favor and spill a couple popcorn kernels in the aisle for Leslie Nielsen.

I finally fine tuned my powers of prognostication and picked a peck of pickled playoff peppers with the Packers and Pittsburgh. After going 2-2 the first two rounds, I managed to go 2-0 this weekend. The question is, will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I'm 6-4? Both games were pretty entertaining to watch. The Pack went through Chicago quarterbacks like kleenex and good luck getting the image of B.J. Raji's touchdown celebration dance out of your head. When he gyrated his yellow spandex clad ham hocks, he damn near affected the tides. In the other game, apparently, the Jets' flight got delayed until halftime, because that's when they decided to show up and play. They almost came back, but then Ben Roethlisberger did what he does best and forced his way to victory. I've got a new nickname for Mark Sanchez. Sisyphus. Sanchez is cursed to push Rex Ryan up a hill, only to watch him roll back down. By the way, thanks to Jim Nance for saying , "Roethlisberger pulled out early" on a fumbled snap. They won't show that highlight on Sports Center.

Some sad news this morning as fitness pioneer Jack LaLanne died at the age of 96. The irony is, if I went to the gym today, I'd come back feeling like a 96 year old man. According to his wishes, he'll be juiced.

Over the weekend, the real time action flick, Nick of Time came up in conversation. While it wasn't a great flick, it contains one of the better cinematic Christopher Walken moments of all time. I'll leave you with that and two other classics for your viewing pleasure...

See you Tuesday...

Milestoned

2011-01-21T09:10:00.013-05:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... This post is about milestones, two arbitrary and one that belongs in an episode of Ripley's Believe It Or Not (wow, I'm old). Let me rattle a few off for you. This is the 300th installment of the blog (only took me 5 1/2 years). As of yesterday's post, the blog passed the 26,000 hit mark (most of those are me constantly clicking on the blog to see how many hits I have). And, the most important one, one that will be inscribed in the annals of history, Magooby's Joke House in Baltimore broke the Guinness World Record for Longest Continuous Comedy Show last night. 81 hours of comedy. An hour and a half of which was my brand of mild amusement. I had the good fortune of having some cherry time slots. 8pm is a perfectly normal time for comedy. Kudos to my comedy comrades who got on stage at noon or 4am. That's when comedy is passed out. According to the rules, there had to be at least ten people in the audience, and at those times, that's about all that was there. Apparently, over the 81 hours, we averaged 42 people a show. That was helped by the near sell out crowd we had for the final three hours. Here's my set from last night. The video has the tail end of Jim Meyer's set, then me, then Ayanna Dookie. There's some new stuff in there, but I had to play the hits to fill the half hour.

Since there were so many comics involved in this, I'm thinking we should get a plaque or a trophy with everyone's name on it to commemorate. A Comedy Stanley Cup, or something. Anyway, thanks to everyone who came out and supported us. The fact that a club in Timonium was able to break a record that was held by a club in L.A. really says something about the comedy scene 'round these parts. And it was all for a great cause. I think we raised over $30,000 for Special Olympics. That's my good deed for the year.

I neglected to mention my playoff pick results on Monday. Once again, I went 2-2. I was right about it being a bad weekend for things that fly. All of the birds went down like a game of Duck Hunt. All that was missing was that dog to laugh at them...The one game that no one picked was the Jets-Patriots tilt. Tom Brady and the Pats crapped in their hat (almost sounds like a Dr. Seuss book). The Jets talk more trash than Oscar the Grouch, so it was nice to see them actually back it up, even though I picked the Pats. The game will probably be remembered best for the epic on-field post game interview that Bart Scott gave to Sal Pal...

So, in the hopes that I can continue my .500 playoff pick record, let's pull out the magic dart board and look at the championship match-ups for this weekend. In the NFC, I've been picking the cheeseheads this long, so I don't see any reason to jump off the wheel of gouda at this point. In the AFC, as fun as it would be to have Rex Ryan in the SuperBowl, just for the quotes in the two weeks leading up to it, I gotta go with Big Ben and the Steelers. Besides, I can't think of two teams that'd piss off Jerry Jones more to have in his house on the NFL's biggest night.

See you Monday... Can't wait!

Idol, a Try

2011-01-20T09:24:00.007-05:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... On Tuesday, I offered you a peek into the future of reality competition shows. An innocent looking Luvs commercial...

It's a metaphor for all of these shows. We judge the crap that comes out of people. And the one that mirrors the Luvs commercial the most is the recently revamped American Idol. I will admit that I only caught a very brief bit of the show last night. Thankfully, it was on DVR so I could beep boop past all of the self-aggrandizing introductions of the new judges, right to the auditions. That's the meat of this first wave of episodes that we judgmental jackals drool over. We delight in watching the deluded masses get a reality check and get told that their years of training by singing in the shower hasn't prepared them for super stardom. When they introduced the new panel, my first thought was, "Wow, Kara DioGuardi looks like shit." Turns out that was Steven Tyler. Idol had a tough job of restoring the great balance of mean and overly nice/batshit crazy that Simon and Paula provided. Well, they got it half right. Now batting for batshit crazy is Steven Tyler, who looks and sounds like Gary Busey in drag. And in the role of overly nice, we have Jenny from the block. Essentially, they cut Paula in half (lithium poured out) and, like a Fantasia broomstick, both halves grabbed a bucket and began stumbling around. Randy is still there, but only so people can play the "dog" drinking game. The panel is now nice and batshit crazy without the harsh truth to pop the bubbles. The monster has had its teeth pulled and its meds doubled. Like I said, I saw about five minutes through my drooping eyelids, so maybe I just need to give it an awake and alert chance before I pass judgment, but where's the fun in that?

Tonight is the home stretch of Magooby's world record comedy marathon. I'm on at 8:00pm. The show is FREE. They just ask that you donate to Special Olympics. Get some bulk laughter and watch comedy history get made.

See you there...

Catnip

2011-01-19T13:44:00.006-05:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... Big news has hit the interwebs about the third Batman flick. It was announced that Anne Hathaway will play Catwoman. Reaction that I've seen has been mixed. I'm going to reserve judgment on how she'll be able to pull it off. When I first heard that Heath Ledger was cast as the Joker, I couldn't see it, and his performance won a Batman movie a goddamn Oscar. Don't get me wrong, two thumbs way up for Anne Hathaway in a skin tight catsuit, but that's only part of Selina Kyle's charm. Catwoman is an iconic character. Just ask Halle Berry. I'm sure her performance will put her somewhere between Eartha Kitt and Michelle Pfeiffer in the pantheon. I wish I thought of it first, but fellow DC area comic Mike James said, "Apparently all you have to do to be a Batman villain is bone Jake Gyllenhaal in a previous movie." Hilarious.

Speaking of hilarious, do yourself a favor and check out the waning hours of Magooby's attempt to break the world record for longest continuous comedy show. I had a great time on stage last night and watching my comedy comrades, Ayanna Dookie, Rob Maher, Sonny Fuller, and Mike Way, in action. Your last chance to watch me do my part in this herculean effort is tomorrow night at 8pm. Check me out, then hang out to watch the record get busted at 11:30. Like you really have anything better to do. And it's for charity. Free bulk comedy and you can feel extra good about laughing at what our twisted minds come up with. About five years back, the standard credit for any comic in the Baltimore area was being an extra on The Wire. Co-holder of this record will replace that.

See you manana... Doo doo de doo doo...

C is for Crap

2011-01-18T09:48:00.006-05:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... I saw something truly horrifying on TV yesterday. Given the amount of raw horror that spills out of the tube on a regular basis and how numb we've become to it, we're not easily shocked anymore. Birds fall out of the sky? Ho hum. We're jaded. But this nugget of odium came from an unlikely place: a diaper commercial...

Oh sure, it looks like a cute commercial, but think about what you just watched. A judged contest to see which child can take the more massive crap, on a stage in front of cheering fans that are snapping cell phone pictures. You see a cute baby cartoon. I see a grim window into the future of televised reality competitions. This does seem like the next logical step after competitive eating. And sure, some people in the crowd are there to cheer on their favorite baby but, just like people watch NASCAR to see the crashes, some sick bastards are there just to see a rupture. And in our world of manufactured celebrity, somebody will try to pass this off as a genuine spectator sport. Hey, everyone does it, right? UPS could sponsor. ABC will pass on it and FOX will add it to the line up after American Idol. You just watched and voted on people singing, now watch and vote on what comes out the other end. Yeesh.

Don't let crap like that infect your soul. Come out to Magooby's tonight to cleanse your soul with some comedy and charity. Right now, they're roughly 22 hours into the 81 hour marathon. They need audience members. The show is FREE. Just drop something in the bucket for Special Olympics and you get as much comedy as you can handle. I'm on at 8pm tonight, followed by Ayanna Dookie, Rob Maher, and Mike Way.

See you there...

MLK Shake

2011-01-17T23:47:00.003-05:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... Sorry for the last minute post that I have no excuse for because I had the day off from work. I just slid into home after a harrowing ride on the frozen tundra that is 295 from Baltimore to DC. I saw several cars that had done a triple lutz into an embankment or into a jersey wall. I'm just glad I got back in time to keep the blog going for you. See what I do for you? Anywho, I hope everyone enjoyed their MLK Day. I spent the day scratching the i's out of every "Got Milk?" poster that I could find. I also met up with some friends at the American History museum. I paid tribute to another tireless civil rights advocate, Kermit the Frog. It wasn't easy being green, people. Martin Luther King's message still rings true today. You shouldn't judge people by the color of their skin, when there are so many other reasons to judge people.

I just got back from my first contribution toward breaking the world record for longest continuous comedy show at Magooby's. Things are off to a swimming start. They were at the eight-hour mark when I left. Just 73 more hours to go. Apparently, the whole thing is being broadcast on UStream, so go ahead and click the link if you'd like to satisfy your morbid curiosity and peek in on what a comedy show at 4:30 in the morning looks like. Please to also check out a chunk of the show live. Support the effort. Support comedy. Support the Special Olympics.

See you in a bit...

How I Wonder...

2011-01-14T14:11:00.007-05:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... Week two of my attempt to mildly amuse on a regular basis is in the books, or the cloud, or whichever ether this mess is stored in. With another sheet torn off my 2011 word-a-day calendar, there comes another floccinaucinihilipilification disguised as an earth shaking discovery. Actually, it shook the heavens, or at the very least a Magic 8-ball. Apparently, the dates associated with the zodiac have been off for awhile. All these years you thought you were a gregarious, unassuming Libra and now it turns out you're just an unassuming, gregarious Aries. Everything you know is wrong. The Chinese are laughing at us. They've had their astrological ducks (and the sauce) in a row for centuries. Now the planet tilts on it's axis by a micron and we lose our celestial shit. I'm just amazed that we didn't take this chance to completely rework the zodiac to something more celebrity-centric. Stars for stars, right? For instance, I'm an Affleck with a Bieber rising. Just remember, Earth, Wind, and Fire said it best, "You're a shining star, no matter who you are."

Speaking of prognostication that usually turns out to be wrong, I should probably give you my picks for this weekend's slate of NFL playoff tilts. I have a feeling that it's doing to be a bad weekend for anything that flies. The Packers will pluck the Falcons, the Pats will ground the Jets, and the Steelers will grind past the Ravens. The only thing with wings that'll keep flapping into the next round will be the Seattle Seahawks, who're playing the Bears, a team they've already beaten in Chicago. I was 2-2 last week, so I'll probably be half right again.

Whatever general advice your horoscope gave you today, bend it to mean that you should go see a comedy show this weekend. There are tons of options to choose from in the DC/Baltimore area. I'm in two of them. Tonight, at the Comedy Spot in Arlington, VA and Saturday, at the Chesapeake Arts Center Studio Theater in Baltimore, I'll be doing a set for the DC Comedy Lab. Click the link for info. Also, don't forget that I'll be carrying the baton in the comedy marathon at Magooby's as they attempt to break the world record for longest continuous comedy show. All proceeds benefit Special Olympics. I'm on at 8pm on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. Check out a chunk of comedy for a great cause.

See you Monday...

All Glory to the HypnoPossum

2011-01-13T12:00:00.005-05:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... Well, 2011 is off to a rousing start. We're not even two weeks in and birds are falling from the sky, Snooki is a published author, a homeless guy is the most famous man in America, and now, brace yourself for the next big thing...Behold Heidi, the German cross eyed opossum. Look upon her and despair. Isn't it cute the way it looks like somebody glued a pair of googly eyes on it? She was featured on all of the morning news magazine shows this morning. She was offered free Lasik surgery by Meredith Viera on The Today Show. And job offers are already pouring in for Heidi. She's been offered a lucrative endorsement deal from PetSmart, a fill-in hosting gig on Regis & Kelly, she's going to squeak the national anthem at the Puppy Bowl, and there's already a tv movie in the works, Playing Possum: How Heidi Crossed Her Eyes into Our Hearts, that'll air on Animal Planet next week. Look for her to enter rehab by Friday.

See you then...

Hump Day Quickie

2011-01-12T12:07:00.002-05:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... Happy Hump Day to ye. What's left of it. I'm squeezing in a last minute quickie blog to keep things humming along, but it's late and I have a sick girlfriend to tend to. Priorities, people. Case in point, a game that I've been following the development of for the last year or so just launched on Monday, DC Universe Online...

I'm torn because the game looks awesome and it would help me live out my 8 year old fantasies of teaming up with Superman and saving the world, but I'm 35 and I have a life. I can't afford to get sucked into one of these massive online games for hours at a time, forgetting to eat, and turn into Gollum from Lord of the Rings. I'm having a hard enough time leveling up in the real world.

See you tomorrow...

Flurry of Activity

2011-01-11T15:40:00.005-05:00

Hey there 'Redheads... A happy 1-11-11 to you. Not nearly as cool as November 11th will be, but I won't begrudge you your arbitrary number celebrations. I can't believe it's still January. Man, this year is dragging. One group of people who'll be happy when this day is over is local weather forecasters. Sure, I was 2-2 on my playoff predictions, but they've been about as reliable as a Magic 8-ball when it comes to winter storms in the greater (or slightly mediocre) DC area. First, we were told that two fronts were going to combine to give us our first big snow of 2011. Then, it was maybe 4 to 6 inches. Now, it's a light dusting. As I look out my window at 5:30 pm, I've seen more flakes in a dandruff shampoo commercial. Don't get me wrong, I'm not rooting for something that will snarl traffic and send people screaming to the store for enough toilet paper to stock Pepto-palooza '11, I just want to see our paid prognosticators actually get something right. Stop teasing us. Not that it's a tease for kids anymore, because the school districts are so reactionary, the mere mention of snow has them canceling classes for days. They didn't get things totally wrong. There is snow, it just missed us high and outside. Philly up to Boston is getting buried. And I just learned that it's snowing inside a house in Philly. My impossibly adorable niece and nephew got a hold of a roll of toilet paper, shredded it, and made it snow in my sister's living room...That's the funniest damn thing I've heard all day.

See you Wednesday...

Round Up 1.10.11

2011-01-10T12:06:00.004-05:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... Happy Monday to ya. An anagram for "Monday" is "dynamo", which means "an energetic hard-working person". The bulk of my Monday has been spent futzing around on the internet, howabout you? I had a pretty fun weekend, which was spent doing manly things, consuming red meat and pork products, guzzling beer, watching playoff football, and playing poker with money I couldn't afford to lose.

I'm pretty happy with my NFL wildcard predictions. I went 2-2. I will always claim to be as accurate as a coin flip. The big upset, that no one outside of Seattle picked, was the Seahawks lighting up the defending SuperBowl champion Saints for 41 points. The back breaker for New Orleans came on an improbable 67 yard TD run from castoff Buffalo Bill, Marshawn Lynch. Every member of the defense had a shot at tackling him and whiffed like Charlie Brown getting the football pulled away by Lucy. Here's a replay...

Amazing how far they've come with highlight technology these days. Another cool thing about that touchdown, the resulting ruckus created in the stands caused a goddamn earthquake. Up until that point, in the regular season, the only disaster on that field was the game play of the Seattle Seahawks. Philly fans have been known to cause odd natural occurrences too. They make it rain batteries.

Here's some fun comedy tidbits to take note of. Starting Monday, the 17th, Magooby's Joke House will attempt to break the world record for longest continuous comedy show. 81 hours. I'll be making up an hour and a half of that, performing a half hour set on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday at 8:00pm. Proceeds from this herculean effort benefit the Special Olympics. Come check out a chunk of it and be a part of comedy history. This will probably be my only chance to get in the pages of the Guinness Book of World Records. If this doesn't work out, I'm going to have to grow my eyebrows really long or something. Also, mark your comedy calendars for March 31st - April 3rd. That's when I'll be returning to the DC Improv to feature for Judah Friedlander from 30 Rock. Click the respective links for info and tickets. And maybe become a fan on Facebook, if you haven't already.

See you tomorrow...

Picks n' Flicks

2011-01-07T11:54:00.004-05:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... It's Friday, and my goal of consecutive daily posts, lackluster though they may be, has been met. I'll take a break over the weekend and start back up on Monday. Still not sure if the week will fall into any kind of format moving forward, but it's a start. I know, you don't care, just type the funny. Ok then. Two things, then I've got a couple pieces of eye candy for you to suck on.

First, with the recent success of Ted Williams and his flood of job offers, I've decided to start writing all of my resumes on cardboard.

Second, the NFL playoffs kick off this weekend, so here are my picks for the wildcard round. I like the Seahawks over the defending SuperBowl champion Saints. You heard me. Outside of Reggie Bush, who's three weeks back from a broken leg, the Saints don't have any running backs. They just put Pierre Thomas and Chris Ivory on IR. Plus, the game is being played in Seattle, one of the loudest stadiums in the NFL. Also, my girlfriend is from Washington, so I kinda have to. I'll take the Chiefs over the Ravens, mostly because I'm worried that the Ravens will succumb to whatever is killing all of these other birds around the world. Plus, I already picked the Chiefs for my rematch of SuperBowl I, so I gotta go with them. I'm in a quandary over the Jets/Colts game. I can't stand the Colts, but I'd really like the Jets to lose, so the NY papers can make bad "Agony of De-Feet" puns about Rex Ryan's foot fetish videos. Tie goes to the better joke, so I'll take the Colts. Finally, in the Eagles/Packers game, I'm taking the cheese to stand alone. The Packers have the D to contain Vick, and this will be payback for when Vick came into Lambeau with the Falcons and handed Green Bay their first home playoff loss.

Here's the eye candy I mentioned. First, the Ghostbusters trailer re-cut Inception style...

And here's an uncle putting a whoopin' on his nephew for acting like a thug on Facebook. The last line is classic...

See ya Monday...

A Murder/Suicide of Crows

2011-01-06T18:29:00.007-05:00

Hey there 'Redheads... Thanks for feigning interest for a fourth day in a row. I have to admit, it's tough coming up with stuff for this thing on a daily basis. Or maybe I'm just lazy. That's probably it. Well, to help back that up, I offer you a video to fill your mild amusement needs for today. A video that fills me with hope. Please enjoy this sketch from the BBC show, The One Ronnie, that compares favorably to another classic British sketch, The Dead Parrot Sketch from Monty Python...

Speaking of dead parrots, is anyone else concerned about the recent rash of birds losing the fight with gravity recently? They're taking dives like they were paid off by Don King (there's a timely reference for ya). What gives? I've heard multiple explanations, from military microwave testing to bird cults, but none of it makes much sense. All of the medical examiners' reports say that the birds, "showed signs of trauma". Yeah, that's what happens when you FALL FROM THE SKY. All of it seems like an M. Night Shyamalan rough draft. Here's something creepy. In that town in Arkansas, where the first mass swan dive occurred, the population is only 4800 people. 5000 birds died. That's more dead birds than live people. Enjoy your bucket of KFC. I'll do some more investigating and get back to you.

See you tomorrow...

Hearing Voices

2011-01-05T23:27:00.007-05:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... I'm trying to squeeze in a quick blog under the wire, to keep the streak alive at three. Happy Hump Day to ya. As happy as it can be, considering I did not hit the MegaMillions jackpot last night. Two lucky bastards in Idaho and Washington State now have the gross national product of Bolivia at their disposal. All is not lost, though. Opportunities pop up where you least expect them to. Take this guy, for example...

Thanks to this viral video, that guy, Ted Williams, is getting job offers from all over the world, including the Cleveland Cavaliers, ESPN, and the NFL. I think it's great. I'm thinking of pitching a tent on the beltway to try to get some voicework, myself. The natural fit for him would be the host of a brand new game show, Homeless People Will Have Talent For Food. It's funny to me that the media latches on to human interest stories like this. Show them a person that society has literally tossed to the curb with the slightest glint of humanity in their eye and it's an uplifting story and people should give this man a job. I'm sure the guy selling flowers on the side of the road might be able to juggle. Why not toss him some temp work? Here's a thought, why don't we just help these people without asking them to sing "Puttin' on the Ritz" first.

To be continued...

Jackpotting

2011-01-04T19:48:00.004-05:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... The streak continues. Two days, two blogs. For now, it's only coincidence. Tomorrow it'll be a trend. Or, by tomorrow, I'll be a mega-millionaire and washing down my Faberge egg omelet with Dom Perignon out of a Ming vase. That's right, the Mega Millions jackpot is up to a whopping 330 million smackeroos. I've got five dollars worth of false hope that says I'll be doing the Scrooge McDuck back stroke. How can I be so sure? Ancient Chinese secret. I'm playing my fortune cookie numbers. Numbers that have failed me in the past, but they were merely biding their time, waiting for the jackpot to reach a level where I can live comfortably once Uncle Sam takes his cut. Yesterday, I ate at an Asian fusion restaurant. It was just Asian food, but the place was nuclear powered. But I digress, because I can. It's my blog. With a fortune like this, how can I fail?

The big question everyone is asking themselves is, "What will you do with the money?" For some, the answer is charity. For others, the answer is family. Not me. I'm going to buy an eye patch and hire some henchmen, because I've been itching to be someone's arch nemesis and all I've lacked is the funding. If I do win the money, I'll tell you one thing I won't do. Play in a 3-4 defense. Albert was right, that's for suckers. Until I'm catapulted to a higher tax bracket, I'll stay huddled among the tired masses who feel the universe owes us a cosmic solid.

To be continued...

Round Up 1.3.11

2011-01-03T08:21:00.008-05:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... First day back to work in 2011 and my goal of daily blog posts is going swimmingly so far. This will be a cheap way for you to fulfill that new year's resolution to read more while also neglecting the resolution to get more done during the day. Addition by distraction. I hope everyone bid adieu to 2010 in a rollicking fashion. My eve was spent sowing the seeds of a wicked hangover with good friends. We turned on the TV in time to see ABC wheel out Dick Clark to bum everybody out before the ball dropped. I know that New Year's Eve is his thing, but seeing him is like seeing one of those ASPCA commercials with the abused and neglected animals. We realize they mean well, but it's just depressing.

Speaking of pointlessly depressing displays, the Redskins' season is mercifully over. Just to give you an idea of how crappy the Skins were this year, even if they were in the NFC West they still wouldn't have made the playoffs. But this is the beginning of the most interesting part of any Redskin season in the last ten years, the off season. Rampant speculation about free agency and player job security is a cottage industry in DC. False hope is sold like foam fingers by this franchise. Expunge the pariah du jour and bring in another name that looked good on a fantasy team in 2005. Here's my pick to click for the playoffs. Super Bowl XLV will be a rematch of Super Bowl I: Packers vs. Chiefs. Book it.

In the waning hours of 2010, I spotted this headline on the back page of the Style section of The Washington Post:

'Octomom' eviction on hold as landlord meets with porn producer

Allow me to sum up her situation, "Let these guys in or get out." This is a convoluted Snidely Whiplash scenario. Instead of tying the damsel to the train tracks because she can't pay the mortgage, the guy twirling his mustache is paying the mortgage so the damsel can have a train run on her. It's mildly ironic, considering how many kids she's evicted. All that's left is to figure out the title of her porn debut. Eight Isn't Enough, Octopussy, and Cockto Mom are all possibilities. Stay classy, Nadya...

Some sad news this morning as actor, Pete Postlethwaite, lost his battle with cancer. One of the best nebulous accents in showbiz. If you don't know the name, you definitely know the face and the voice, recently in The Town and Inception, best known for his role in The Usual Suspects. Mr. Kobayashi, we hardly knew ye...

By the way, if anyone out there is looking to move to or near downtown Silver Spring, please to check out this listing of the former Stately Stern Manor.

To be continued...

2010 Year End Spectacular...or something

2010-12-27T20:09:00.004-05:00

Hey there 'Redheads... Once again, I've gone off the grid and left the wellspring of my thoughts dry as a bone. Well, I'm back to wrap up 2010, so you may drink from the dixie cup of my brain drizzle. Recently, I've just been using Facebook as a repository for my random observations, but that hardly helps you, my hopefully still loyal readers. My plan for 2011 is to reroute my postings on Facebook through this blog, creating a digital synergy not seen since my Roomba ate my remote control. This will mean multiple daily blurbs as opposed to the longer weekly or once a fortnight entries that I've been foisting upon you. We'll see how long that lasts. I give it a week, tops. This is all a last ditch effort to draw more eyeballs in my general direction. If the right pair of eyeballs sees me flailing about on here, maybe I can attain Antoine Dodson-like celebrity. Anyway, here now is the year 2010 in as many statuses as I can squeeze in until Carpal Tunnel sets in. I hope you enjoy it as much I enjoy doing it to you...

Jared Stern...

...found it mildly amusing that AMC edited "Jesus Christ" out of The Matrix.

...witnessed Mother Nature in all her glory. The snow fell a tree onto a speed camera. You clock that, asshole?

...is having that dream where I'm at work on a Saturday after getting to bed at 2am. Wait, I'm not in my underwear. Crap.

...wonders if the Russians know that, by electrocuting Jack Bauer, you're only hurting the electricity.

...would like to nominate whoever decided to do snow removal during rush hour for the Nobel Prize in Clusterfuckery.

...is right behind Slovenia in the Winter Olympic medal count.

...thinks Ethiopia should've sent a delegation to Vancouver to compete in Skeleton.

...thinks the In Memoriam segment of the Oscars will be long enough to qualify for a Best Mini-Series Emmy.

...liked Crazy Heart better when it was called The Wrestler.

...is a little bit OCD. A smidge. Ok, maybe less than a smidge. A touch. More than a touch but less than a smidge. Perhaps a tad.

...hereby dubs University of Northern Iowa bandwagon fans, UNI-tards.

...is excessercising.

...didn't appreciate the Passover theme at the Luxor.

...would like to know where all the people who claimed global warming was debunked with all the snow are today, when it'll be 80 on April 2nd.

...was called "subversive and horrifying" after the Friday late show at the Improv. It was a compliment. I'll take it.

...is drawing a rough draft of a blank.

...can't spell "mundane" incorrectly without "Monday".

...is treating my allergies with prescription strength denial.

...has never had amnesia, I think.

...can't spell "histamine" without "mean shit".

...doesn't know the meaning of the word, "lexicon".

...is eyeing Alex Ovechkin as the #1 pick for my fantasy golf team.

...donated $100 to the Foxwoods Home For People Who Should Know Better.

...thought, instead of singing the National Anthem, Chris Brown should've thrown out the first punch at the Mayweather fight.

...is realizing that I may be a bit out of shape to run in Survive DC 2010. I'm getting winded typing this.

...is really good a word jumbles. Or I'm dyslexic. One of the two.

...has a new favorite sports name: Angel Pagan. His parents are devout atheists.

...wishes Pac-Man a happy birthday. Your haunted compulsive eating disorder has brought joy to us all.

...has the edge of my seat dusted off for the 24 finale. Give 'em hell, Jack.

...wishes Star Wars a happy 33rd birthday. Probably time to move out of your parents' basement.

...isn't sure which is more shocking, that Gary Coleman is dead or that Conrad Bain is still alive.

...always enjoys when the diminutive UPS driver stops by. I call him the UPS-aloompa. Today, he has perfect puzzle for me.

...is torn. This Strasburg kid is great, but he makes the line for my ballpark Ben's Chili Dog longer.

...is getting just a little tired of being lied to by previews and reviews. Predators sucked like an airplane toilet. Do yourself a favor and go rent Aliens instead.

...once killed a man because he told me I couldn't take criticism.

...just found out that Die Hard came out 22 years ago today. First, holy shit do I feel old. Second, to celebrate, why don't you come out to the coast, we'll get together, have a few laughs.

...thinks TLC should be renamed The Midgets & Cake Channel.

...has found that low expectations are like high standards, but with less disappointment.

...is fit as a fat fiddle.

...saw a guy with one of those magnetic ribbons on his car that said, "Support Tattoos". Hey buddy, if you really supported tattoos, that would be etched into your bumper. You support temporary tattoos.

When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, I feel the-- fuck, it's still 100 degrees outside.

...just discovered that the storm killed my refrigerator. The food inside is now more spoiled than Paris Hilton's Chihuahua.

...finished cleaning out my dead fridge. I'm pretty sure I heard a voice say, "Zuul".

...heard Aretha Franklin broke four ribs in a fall. She also broke two sides and a biscuit.

...spent more time in a kayak this weekend than I have in any other palindrome.

This is my status. There are many others like it, but this one is mine. My status is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. Without me, my status is useless. Without my status, I am useless.

...does less all day than most people do before 6am.

...better whiskey up these cornflakes.

...heard the guy at the center of the Discovery Channel hostage situation is making demands. His first demand: SHARK MONTH.

...wants to know if there are any events planned for this once-every-hundred-years occasion that is 9/02/10. Maybe an Aaron Spelling Bee?

...had a great time up in Timonium for Laff-a-palooza. Our show was right next to the Maryland State Fairgrounds, where Justin Bieber was performing. Parking was tighter than one of his groupies.

...has 1000 monkeys on 1000 typewriters furiously working on my status. Sure, they work cheap, but the smell.

...is writing my concession speech. Here's what I've got so far: Large popcorn, medium Cherry Coke, and a box of Sno-Caps.

...is venturing into the dark heart of Delaware with a bucket full of dick jokes.

Opulence. I has it.

...remembers when nostalgia meant something.

...enjoyed the rampant Brett Favre jokes at trivia tonight. Especially for the questions, "What type of nuts are used to make Marzipan?" and "What is the offspring of a donkey and horse called?"

...is voting o-nay on the measure to deport illegal Pig Latinos.

...is shaking hands and kissing babies. I've only mixed those up a couple times.

...wants to congratulate Joe Paterno on hitting 400. He doesn't look a day over 395.

...is packing up the van and moving to the Capitol. Hills, that is.

"Then again, if it's funny, then the hell with dignity." - Leslie Nielsen

My inner curmudgeon is yelling at the rest of me to get the hell off his lawn.

...saw a white squirrel on the way home from Safeway. This gentrification thing has gotten way out of hand.

Thanks for laughing at me. Let's crank it to '11...

Fantasy Isthmus

2010-09-15T22:19:00.007-04:00

Hey there 'Redheads... I'm still coming down from the high of the first weekend of NFL football. By the time I fully recover, it'll be time for kickoff again. This is the most wonderful sports time of the year. The first full slate of Sunday games nudged the status quo a little bit. The big shocker of the weekend was the upstart Texans beating the Colts while riding on the back of Arian Foster and his 231 yard/3 TD performance. I do feel bad for Arian Foster. He's the newly minted star of the NFL season and he's going to have a devil of a time finding a name for his fan club. "Arian Nation" is probably a bad idea, is all I'm sayin'... It was also nice to see the Redskins put on their yellow big boy pants and win a game. Or should I say, "not lose"... The only reason why the DC media jackals aren't tearing them completely to shreds is because of that glaring holding call on Cowboy Alex Barron...I've taken a good look at the play from various angles and I've come to the conclusion that it wasn't holding. It was a Cobra Clutch. He didn't have much of a choice. It was either put Orakpo in the Million Dollar Dream or let him break Tony Romo into bite-size pieces. Kinda like what Ray Lewis did to the tight end from the Jets...

I'll resist the urge to make an Old Spice body wash commercial reference. Instead, I'll just say that Ray Lewis hit him so hard, it tore Kris Jenkins' ACL. A lot of injuries in the first week. Packers RB, Ryan Grant is gone for the season, Eagles QB, Kevin Kolb got his brain meat tenderized, and Colts S, Bob Sanders got his annual catastrophic injury. It's probably wrong, but most of football watching America doesn't much care except for how their fantasy teams will be impacted. Screw these guys' careers, I might lose $25. Speaking of which, I did ok in the first week of tripping the football fantastic. In one league, I scored the most points, and in another league, I ate a double-decker turd burger and scored the fewest. I went 2-2, the two wins coming in my money league and my keeper league, so I'll take a slight setback in the other two.

But enough of that. I did manage to shower and extricate myself from the ass groove in my couch to take in some fine cinema at the local multiplex. I checked out the bloody burrito, Machete. It was everything it needed to be for my taste. A tortilla thin plot, bad guys getting their brains splattered like chunky salsa, and some tasteful nudity. I had my disbelief precariously dangling overhead, waiting for Robert Rodriguez to pummel it with his pulpy revenge fantasy until ludicrous candy spilled out. Steven Segal as a Mexican drug lord? Sure. Rappelling down the side of a building on a guy's disemboweled intestines? Great. Jessica Alba falling for Danny Trejo, who makes Edward James Olmos look like Zac Efron? Sign me up. It was also nice to see Don Johnson found work. By the way, when you go see Machete, keep in mind that Danny Trejo is 66. That completely blew what was left of my mind. I'm steps away from 35 and I have about as much chance of being an action hero as BP does of getting a float in the Mardi Gras parade.

For those of you in various parts of Virginia, I'll be in your neck of the woods this weekend. On Friday, I'm featuring at the Lynchburg Comedy Zone and on Saturday, I'll be in Colonial Beach at The Riverboat with comedy compadres, Tommy Sinbazo and EJ Edmonds. Laugh at me, won't you?

To be continued...

Touching Down

2010-09-09T15:47:00.004-04:00

Hey there 'Redheads... Happy Jew Year! Wow, it's 5771 and shit is crazy... Seriously, where did the time go? Yes, last night the matzoh ball dropped and it's Rosh Hashanah. A happy and sweet new year to one and all. One of my Jew Year's resolutions is to check my lunch meat. Yesterday, I was halfway through a sandwich before I realized that beneath the bread and mustard on my hid the reptilian metallic sheen of bad corned beef. But there's another high holiday to observe today. NFL Kickoff. I've got the preseason ass groove in my couch ready for some football. To celebrate, let's take a ride on the blog flume...

Before I get to the promised breakdown of my fantasy football teams that I know you've all been waiting for, I want to take a quick second to thank my buddy T. Brad Hudson for including me in his Charm City cavalcade of comedy, Laffapalooza, last weekend. I had the pleasure of sharing the stage with some of Baltimore's finest: Mike Storck, Sonny Fuller, Tommy Sinbazo, Mike Shader, Matt Baetz, and Dorian Gray. The venue we were in was right next door to the Maryland State Fairgrounds, where Justin Bieber was scheduled to perform that night. Thousands of people were crammed into the surrounding area. Parking was tighter than one of Bieber's groupies. I'll go ahead and admit, the bulk of this paragraph was just so I could type that last line. Anyway, it was a great show and I was flattered to be included.

Now, as I mentioned in the last installment, I'm an obsessive degenerate who is inexorably drawn to the statistical lap dance of fantasy football. I drafted four teams last week, one of which will hopefully rise above mediocrity and bring me virtual victory. My four teams are: The Minnesota Vicarious, The Wiseacres All-Pros, The Pandora Blueskins, and Viva El Comix Cafe. The last team is in a keeper league that I was invited to through a guy who saw my show at the Comix Cafe in Buffalo. The club has since shuttered, so I'm using the team to keep the memory of great laughs and greater buffalo wings alive. By the way, I realize that alot of you have tuned out at this point because you could not possibly care less about such things. While I'm hurt, I do understand. My blog. Deal with it. Aside from the keeper league, where my draft position was determined by last season's middle-of-the-road performance, I got shafted in my random draft placement. I picked 12th of 12, 10th of 12, and 9th of 10. My other three teams are pretty similar because I had to use the same bottom-of-the-order draft strategy. So, let's focus on Viva El Comix Cafe... My three kept players from last year's team were Maurice Jones-Drew (JAX RB), DeSean Jackson (PHI WR), and Antonio Gates (SD TE). Keeping in mind that most of the other elite players in the league were kept by the other 11 teams in the league, here's my roster:

QB: Sam Bradford (STL)
RB: Maurice Jones-Drew (JAX)
RB: Arian Foster (HOU)
WR: DeSean Jackson (PHI)
WR: Wes Welker (NE)
WR: Dez Bryant (DAL)
TE: Antonio Gates (SD)
OP: Ahmad Bradsahaw (RB-NYG)
K: Bill Cundiff (BAL)
D/ST: Green Bay

I realize I'm a little thin at QB, but I picked up the suspended Ben Roethlisberger to pick up the slack later in the season. I also think Bradford will have a better than average rookie season. I'm also banking on rookie Dez Bryant to come through. And hopefully Arian Foster lives up to the massive hype. By the way, OP stands for "Offensive Player" and can be filled by any offensive position, including another QB. There's a guy in the league who has Drew Brees and Phillip Rivers in the same starting line-up.

Ok, that's all I'll put you through for now. I just wanted to get it out there. Can't wait for the stats to start flying.

To be continued...

August in the Wind

2010-08-31T22:40:00.008-04:00

Hey there 'Redheads... So, hey... Been awhile. Sorry for the anemic August, but things have been a little hectic on my end. I wanted to make sure I shoehorned one last blog, so we can hit September in full stride...or with a slight limp. I've been busy the last couple weeks. Last weekend I had the pleasure of celebrating the nuptials of two of my best friends, Allyson and Chris. I was lucky enough to be the officiant of the ceremony. They repeated after me and everything. I don't have access to any of the pictures right now, but there was much rejoicing, and the open bar overfloweth. You can read all about it in an upcoming Washington Post Sunday Style section. They sent a photographer to cover the affair.

After an extended amount of time in dress shoes, I have to say, I gained a new respect for the ladies and the uncomfortable footwear they put up with. I wasn't wearing five inch pumps, but my dress shoes put a hurtin' on my tootsies. Over the course of the evening, they turned into bear traps on my feet. Luckily, my best girlfriend in the whole wide world had her first aid kit of a purse with her, and she had gel band-aids at the ready. My shoes gnawed a dime-sized notch out of the back of both of my heels. It's a hindrance on the dance floor when every step you take feels like you're taking a cheese grater to your Achilles tendon.

Luckily, my injuries won't keep me from participating in this year's fantasy football season. I have my first of three drafts tomorrow night and I am PUMPED. I can't wait for the stats to start flyin'. All I need is a team flag to unfurl. How's Mediocri3-D for a team name? I may re-use last year's Minnesota Vicarious. I'm also thinking about breaking out this as a team name...I wasn't a huge fan of the movie, but that's pretty funny... So, I have my 3 beer mug ready to fuel my draft of a rag tag bunch to lead me to hypothetical glory. I'll give you a full breakdown after the draft. Or I'll have a breakdown during the draft. Either way, brace yourselves.

More to come...

Bookish

2010-08-10T22:59:00.003-04:00

Hey there 'Redheads... I'll go ahead and admit it, this installment is a bit of a cop out. I'm not quite feeling the usual blog vibe, so here's a list of fake book titles instead. I'll be back to my regularly scheduled random ramblings next time. Enjoy...

Eugenics For Dummies

Everything You Wanted To Know About Rhetorical Questions, But Were Afraid To Ask Yourself

Investment Sperm Banking

A Song in My Heart, A Hand Up My Ass: The Autobiography of Kermit the Frog

12 Steps Back: A Guide to Relapse

Facebook As An Alibi

Even You Can Be Condescending

13 Ways To Conquer Triskaidekaphobia

Happiness Through Better Hatred

Proactive Apathy

Cough Your Way To Six-Pack Abs

Lose Weight While You Eat

Men Are From Mars, Gay Men Are From Uranus

Sell Your Roommate's Organs

Why The Voices Make A Good Point

Green: Make Money Recycling Mucous

Sell Your Identity For Fun and Profit

Dead Pet Recipes

How To Be Constructively Awful

Your Ass As Ad Space

Live Life Vicariously

Act Tough, Sue Big

Goldschlager: Turn Your Pee Into Riches

How To Take Credit For Really Good Ideas

Treasure Maps In The Bible

The Nerf Cookbook

Ransom As a Second Income

No Brain, No Headache

Do-it-yourself Blood Transfusions

Living Will Mad-Libs

Dyslexics For Book The

Annexing Your Neighbor's House

The Nutritional Value of Dandruff

Off-Color Hand Gestures

The Ipecac Diet

Make Your Own Breast Implants From Pudding

Office Depot Surgery: From Stomach Stapling to Testicle Paper-clipping

Instant Sleep Over: Fun With Narcolepsy

Sign Language For Double Amputees

The Scratch n' Sniff Nipple Book

The Where's Waldo Code

Radiation: The Thin Line Between Super Hero and Cancer Patient

Better Luck Next Time: Why Jesus Has Already Returned and We Probably Killed Him Again

Settling Disputes With Russian Roulette

Ethiopia On 85 Cents A Day

Teaching Your Dog To Pick Up Your Poop

Beatboxing For Stutterers

To be continued...

Storm of Brain

2010-08-03T22:11:00.007-04:00

Hey there 'Redheads... Welcome back to Blogust... And welcome to any new readers who found me through DCBlogs.com. Apparently, the last installment got picked up on their feed because they deemed mini-golf, dinosaurs, and large blocks of styrofoam to be awesome. I won't argue with good taste.

I meant to squeeze another installment into July, but the power outage from that apocalyptic storm we had tear through here last week threw a flying monkey wrench into my plans. It's tough to blog from Amish country. At one point, I removed the buttons from my remote control because they were too proud. Not only did I lose power for the better part of three days, but the jolt that knocked out the power also blew out the motor on my refrigerator. When the lights finally did come back on, I was greeted by a stench that could've knocked a buzzard off a shit wagon. All the food I had in there was more spoiled than Paris Hilton's chihuahua. So, in order to prevent a hazmat team from quarantining my condo, I double bagged a hefty, put on some gloves, and dug a mass grave for all of my perished perishables. I'm pretty sure I heard a voice say, "Zuul". By the way, a great name for a band: Hot Dairy. They'd be a funk band, of course. I realize that all this was a minor inconvenience compared to some of the actual catastrophe that was wrought by this swift but powerful storm. I could've lived here...Luckily, the family that lived here was on vacation at the time. Good thing they're used to hotel living. Yeesh. What is up with the weather around here? It's calmed down in the last couple of days, but we went through a stretch where it was 112 in the shade, then there was an earthquake, then a storm that's like a tornado fucked a hurricane hits from out of nowhere. Would you be surprised by locusts at this point? Because I wouldn't be. God must've gotten a parking ticket in Bethesda or something.

After dealing with all of that mess, I welcomed a weekend performing at one of my favorite clubs, the Baltimore Comedy Factory. Charm City is always good to me and this slate of shows was no exception. Big thanks to Cara and the crackerjack staff for they do to make a shlub like me feel at home. I got a chance to work with the very funny Drew Fraser. It was fun to watch him work because our vocal styles are so different. Stand-up comedy is alot like surfing. Instead of water, we ride waves of laughter that ripple out from the main joke with tag lines and vocal cues. With each wave, you try to add something that'll keep the ripples flowing. Drew creates a tsunami with screaming. I've not heard a comic that loud since Sam Kinison. He conducted a cacophonous symphony that was fun to watch, if a little painful to listen to. The audience was gasping for breath at one point. Another fun side note to the weekend was that Otakon, the anime convention, was in town, so I got to see socially awkward types with patchy facial hair dressed like Link from Legend of Zelda mingle with the usual freaks that roam Baltimore's streets. It was an odd cross section of humanity.

I'll leave you with this fun little ditty...

If you're not giggling, you're not human.

To be continued...

Loose Ends

2010-07-20T20:45:00.019-04:00

Hey there, 'Redheads... In the last blog or two, I've had to stop short due to brainlock or I've left out some odds and ends that didn't fit with whatever I fooled myself into thinking was the theme of that particular installment. So, this one is devoted to cleaning out all of the extra crap that's currently cluttering my cranium (alliteration, baby). Onward and backward...

Over the weekend, 15 intrepid friends and I braved the intense heat and pushed ourselves to the limits of human endurance and athletic competition. We played three mini-golf courses in one day, in the Second Annual Grand Slam of Mini-Golf...

We ventured deep into the clown's mouth to test our wills and prove we had some semblance of athletic skill. I was the clubhouse leader after the first 18 holes at Rocky Gorge, my hometown course when I was a lad, with an impressive 6 under par. From there, we traveled to Herndon, VA, for the second round at Woody's Golf, home of Perils of the Lost Jungle, one of the top 5 mini-golf courses in the U.S. What the course lacked in difficulty, it more than made up for in production values...It was a cheeky mix of Robert Trent Jones and Indiana Jones. Despite some sloppy play on the front nine, I was able to extend my lead to seven shots heading into the final round at Hain's Point in DC. I should mention, if you couldn't tell already, that I get super competitive and overconfident in games of any kind where I get even a sliver of a lead. I gloat. I bluster. I'm a bit of a dick, which makes it all the more satisfying to everyone else when I eventually crumble under the weight of my own hubris. I tried to remain calm this time around, but I was being egged on by those breathing down my neck on the leader board, rooting for the inevitable. That brings us to the last leg of the day. This was the most difficult of the courses we'd faced all day. The sun had been beating down on us for hours and this was a no-frills course that required the kind of pinpoint short game that we quickly realized none of us had. The strokes piled up as seemingly easy putts lazily rolled past the hole without even saying hello. As prophesied, my lead eroded and I lost my bid for miniature glory by two strokes...well, three if you count the heat stroke.

The weekend before last, my friends and I found another fun way to enjoy heat exhaustion. We hopped in the car and headed down to Natural Bridge, VA. On the way, we saw a couple oddities on the road that I was able to snap some pictures of...Yes, that's a DeLorean. I guess he was looking to save some time on his commute. I'm pretty sure where he was going, he still needed roads. We also spotted this...She got her hair did and she wanted to keep those curls tight for later on at the bingo hall. We took bets on whether she had a rolling pin in the passenger seat. Ok, enough of this penny ante stuff. I've got some pictures of true craziness for you. We checked out three roadside attractions and a natural wonder all in one day. You get a taste of each. First up is the majesty of the Natural Bridge...I'd been pretty jaded about nature since my trip to the Grand Canyon, but this was pretty impressive. We went from being awed by nature to being completely weirded out by the opposite of nature. An installation artist named Mark Cline built a couple roadside attractions to hold tourists' sway once they got bored with beauty. Behold the twisted history lesson that is Dinosaur Kingdom...Allow me to answer some burning questions. Yes, that is a Union soldier being eaten by a T-Rex and yes, that is a velociraptor snacking on The Gettysburg Address. Basically, this was built around the conceit that an archaeological dig during the Civil War unearthed living dinosaurs that the North planned to use against the South, but things went horribly wrong. It's Glory meets Jurassic Park. All that was missing was a fiberglass Jeff Goldblum telling Lincoln that using dinosaurs as a weapon was the worst idea in the long sad history of bad ideas (love that line). Mr. Cline also created another awesome spectacle just up the road...FOAMHENGE! Where the demons dwell. Where the banshees live and they do live well. Yep, he created a full scale replica of Stonehenge out of styrofoam...

Well crap. I was hoping to wrap this all up in a neat little package, but it's getting late, and I'm running out of steam.

To be continued...

Don't Have a Title... I Should Join The Heat...

2010-07-15T20:46:00.015-04:00

Hey there 'Redheads... Welcome back to your nearly weekly dose of flim-flammery. I bring you reheated news that's been piling up whilst I twiddle my thumbs and wait for the other eight fingers to muster up the energy to get typing. For example, did you guys hear that LeBron is joining D-Wade and Chris Bosh in Miami? I know! Why do they keep these things from us? A lot of clever names are being bandied about as the sports world tries to figure out what to call this new power trio: The 3 My-Egos, Miami Thrice, The Yankees. All of them are good tries, but I know what I'll be calling them. The N.W.O. Check out this video from WCW's 1996 Bash At The Beach. As my comedy buddy, Ryan Conner, pointed out, it completely parallels the Lebron situation, right down to the fan outrage...

Even if you're not a fan of wrestling, the similarities are eerie. I'm hoping this new storyline will make next year's NBA season halfway interesting. And LeBron better smack Kobe upside the head with a steel chair.

Speaking of fan outrage, I'd like to express a little of my own about Predators. I had fooled myself into thinking that my expectations were lower than Verne Troyer looking for a missing contact lens, but in my heart of hearts, I wanted this movie to be good. The Predator franchise deserved a decent sequel. And they got us fanboys all in a lather because the called it Predators, so it'll be like Aliens was to Alien, right? And they lied to us in the previews by giving us WTF shots like this...Turns out, that bad ass shot isn't even in the movie. It was just shot for the preview. And all of the action scenes in the last half of the movie are shot in the dark, so you can't make out what the hell is going on. What should have been a great fight between a Yakuza killer with a samurai sword and a Predator, ended up being so muddled it wouldn'tve made it past the cutting room for Power Rangers. For those of you who haven't seen it, the premise is basically that the best killers from our world (and Topher Grace) are air dropped onto an alien planet that serves as a Predator hunting ground. My big complaint for the movie as a whole was that the filmmakers took it for granted that we know how the Predators operate and do nothing to establish their tactics or technology. In the first Predator, you got to see Ahnold noodle things through, adapt to his dire situation, and match wits with the Predator. In this one, they just shoehorned in a final confrontation with Adrien Brody spouting lines from the first movie out of context, just to get a rise out of us. There were so many forced call backs, you might as well have just had the cast of this film reminisce about the first one. Also, and this was a major missed opportunity, they did NOTHING to acknowledge the firepower that Adrien Brody was packing. His character had an AA-12. Just watch...

It makes the mini-gun Jesse Ventura was toting look like a super soaker. There are a host of other things wrong with the flick but, long story short, save your money. If you want to see a great character-driven monster movie, go watch Aliens or Pitch Black.

Here's an item that caught my eye...

Larry Hagman of 'Dallas' fame becomes the new face of SolarWorld - Actor Larry Hagman was all about petroleum when he played oil magnate J.R. Ewing in television's long running "Dallas" series. These days, he's pitching solar energy with a new slogan -- "Shine, baby, shine," -- soon to air on a television near you. Hagman is the face of a new ad campaign for SolarWorld.

This story struck me because... Larry Hagman is still alive? Forget pushing solar energy, I thought he was pushing daisies five years ago. He's probably advocating solar energy out of self-preservation, since he could be used as fossil fuel. Also, I think this is the face I'd want selling my product...Use solar energy or Larry Hagman will swallow your soul.

Wow, I haven't even gotten to my fever dream of a trip to Natural Bridge, VA. It deserves it's own blog, but I can tease you with this in the meantime...

To be continued...